Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Night at the Theatre

Few things are more painful to sit through than bad theatre. And the show I saw last night was, without question, the lamest production I’ve ever seen. Not that I’m a theatre junkie, but I’ve seen some bad ones. And this was even worse than that neo-Nazi reimagining of Fiddler on the Roof a blind date once invited me to. The playbill for last night’s show promised blood, gore, and a terrifying monster lurking beneath the stairs. Fifteen minutes in, I realized that I was watching the re-enactment of some Kafka groupie, hack-of-a-playwright’s pointless acid-trip, and decided to do myself a favor by falling asleep.

Somewhere between Act I and oblivion, I was awakened from drooling on my shirt by the sound of screams. Had someone mercifully pulled a fire alarm? Had the crowd finally had enough of this dumbfuckery and decided to revolt? Not quite. People around me were standing and pointing to the stage, where the ravenous plant monster had finally emerged from its lair below the stairs and began attacking audience members. The tiny auditorium was a mess of green tentacles and swinging bodies, turned into a scene from King Kong’s wettest dream. Minus any she-apes. The plaid swathed hipster-ette in front of me shrieked as a long, thorny arm snatched her from her seat. Finally, some action!

The bass player swung his oversized violin at the monster, severing one of its arms, but was dragged from his stand anyway. The enormous Venus flytrap spat out the musician’s bow with a belch and reached for the lead actor, who was cowering beneath the covers of the stage bed. A professional to the bitter end, he recited his terribly written lines right up to the point when he was chomped to Miracle-Gro. His two co-stars, undoubtedly fertilizing their own pants at the sight, quickly joined him inside the beast’s belly. The crowd continued to trample itself in escape panic, creating a human buffet line for the quick moving vines. Some people have no taste. My fiancée and I, however, were unable to look away. Maybe I had judged the quality of this performance too soon…

Everything was going great until one of those green bastards had the balls to rope the gin and tonic out of my drink holder. Bad theatre is one thing. But I draw the line at drink thievery. They cut your hands off for such an offense in Saudi Arabia or something, right? Blind rage stole over me as I dug the Swiss Army knife out of my pocket and dove for the stage. Everything after that was a blur, but my fiancée later said that the venue temporarily transformed into a giant salad shooter.

When I came to in the lobby, I only had one hand left, but dammit if it wasn’t holding the chipped remains of my glass. I slammed it down on the counter and glared at the bartender.

"That was the worst fucking show I've ever seen. I demand a refill."


Cheers,

-brandon

Music: The Smashing Pumpkins
Beer: 3 Floyd’s Gumballhead

32 comments:

  1. Don't you mean Smashing Venus Flytraps? Although the imagery isn't quite the same. (I'd ask for money back,too.)

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  2. LOL this play sounded like a bad mind!@#$. It sucks that you had a bad time but at least you have an epic story to tell ^_^

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  3. haha wtf?
    havent listen to smashing pumpkins in a while

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  4. Little Theatre of Horrors, hey? Maybe the plant thought it could join in with a song or two.
    Damn that movie was awesome.

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  5. I'm with Les. It sounded like Little Shop on Steroids. Well played though, turning into Chuck Norris at the end, and saving the day (and your drink).

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  6. that's interesting, my local theatre has that picasso painting of the chick riding the shark, too.

    he must have made two of them.

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  7. Dreaming, drooling and gin and tonic.......cool:)

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  8. Bad theatre is akin to going to a fair with 3 lame rides all being ran by a drunk named, Scotty..

    sorry the show was crap!!!
    and yes, Bartender, pour another one for the man with 1 hand..LOL!!

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  9. I sometimes have to endure opera with the GF...and often take it as an opportunity to catch up on some zzz's

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  10. Reminds me of the day I took my ten year old son and his friends to see Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles at the movies... he shook me awake ten minutes in and said my snoring was bothering people.
    Shit, you can't have nothin'...

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  11. i like how you still managed to type with just one hand!

    me i would given up on the typing thing and served somebody some papers...

    i smell lawsuit..

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  12. I don't do the theatre! I would rather...well...end up armless and bleed like I'm on the rag!

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  13. I always hate it when everyone gives a standing ovation to even really crappy performances. I like to reserve those for people who really deserve it :)

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  14. Ha ha! I love that painting of the hot babe riding what looks like a mechanical shark. I'd totally put that on my wall!

    Also, sorry about you losing your arm. I hope you get a bionic one so next time you watch shitty theatre you'll be better prepared.

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  15. that actually sounds like something i would go see...

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

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  16. I'm glad the shows I work on don't generally go like that.

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  17. There OUGHT to be a small risk of dying when one goes to the theater.

    Art should involve risk.

    There have been plenty of artists who have lost their hearing… maybe an ear… their human relationships, their sanity… et al for their art. The least the audience could do is reciprocate.

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  18. Dumbfuckery! LMAO. Brilliant ;0)

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  19. I would have gone on a rampage if someone had stolen my drink! you have my support!

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  20. Sounds like a more interactive version of Evil Dead: The Musical. Still sounds better than Gallagher.

    "My faverited part's when he done smashes them fruits and we gets to wear a free poncho. I love souveneers."

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  21. You either need to a) stop going to plays while tripping balls on shrooms... or b) stop writing your posts while tripping balls on shrooms

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  22. LOL! That's right! No one messes with a man's drink!

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  23. lol wow interesting read, I'd gone apeshit too if they took my drink!

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  24. lol, what did I just read?

    When I lived in NY I ended up going to a lot of bad shows, none of them were as eventful as yours. I find it sad I'm jealous of a bad night someone else had.

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  25. Ack! You are so funny. I really, really loved the theater being transformed into a large salad shooter.

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  26. Hey, I think it sounds cool. :)

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  27. I so wish I could have seen that! That sounds hilarious.

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

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