Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Neighbor Wars Part Deux, With a Vengeance: This Time... It's Personal

            The title makes more sense if you say it like a bad action movie announcer.
            Anyway, I had some great responses about what to do to my asshole neighbor (who is plotting a hostile takeover of my townhouse), including shitting in his mailbox, which is ever classy, or building a tunnel to his house, releasing bats in his basement, and then sending him out of his house... to a mailbox that has shit in it (thanks Christian at Gaming Daily and Kev D at Highway 10 Revisited, respectively).
            There was such a diversity of suggestions. Squatlo suggested I paint LSD on the doorknobs (brilliant) while Mister King said to just let it go and asked why would I want to live next to people like them anyway.
            So I'll start by saying this. First, that the townhouse has been in our family for years now, and that as an unemployed guy, I really don't have the luxury of picking my neighbors. I can't just say well, that sucks, guess I'll sell this house in a terrible market and buy another one with money I don't have. I'm kinda stuck here. Second, while I've done my fair share of stupid things in the past, I'm not going to post about how I went over to his house and beat him retarded with the biggest stick I could find.
            At this point, I'm just looking to annoy him.
            See, things have gotten even worse. For example, he has this wannabe fake Shelby kit car he bought after my brother in law started coming by with his Lamborghinis, and with a lack of funding to buy a real crate engine, dropped the engine from a Chevy Trailblazer into it (no joke). On top of this, he sawed off the mufflers and enjoys waking us up every morning at 6 or 7 by revving his terrible sounding engine. I e-stalked his car and found a post where he said he absolutely delights in waking us up. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he's terminally working on the primered up piece of crap, and just loves to take the pieces off of it (bright and early at 6 AM) and sand them, outside of our window, for hours on end.
            So if he wants to use his car as a weapon, then I figured, I'll use mine as a weapon too.
            No, unfortunately the car in question is not Stephen King’s killer car Christine. Instead, it's a modified Mustang with a big engine, loud exhaust, and a beefy sound system. All of which I'm using to my advantage.
            Firstly, since douchenozzle likes to rev his engine when I’m sleeping in the morning, I now like to rev my engine at night when he’s sleeping—9:30 PM, still in legal limits of our local sound ordinance. Or when he’s outside sanding to drone out his stupid sandblaster... which sucks for him because my car's a lot fucking louder than his is. Have a listen. I recorded part of this clip while he was outside sanding for that extra dose of ‘fuck you.’

           Yes, I know my gas gauge isn't working at the moment. Rest assured, not knowing how much gas I'm burning is actually a beautiful thing.
          Bryan: 1. Neighbor: 0.
          Secondly, I decided this weekend I was going to work on my Audi and change out the air filter. If you know anything about Audis, it’s a bit of a complicated procedure that involves removing way too many parts. I didn’t want to listen to my neighbor's sander all damned day and I also wanted to piss him off, so in an effort to combine those two passions, I utilized the ridiculously excessive I-could-never-possibly-need-this-much-bass-to-listen-to-my-white-people-music 1000 watt sound system.
            But I couldn't just deploy any music for this job. No, I needed something loud. And profane. And possibly vulgar... but without looking like a classless ICP fanatic. See, not only is this neighbor in his mid 40's, but he's an uptight conservative Christian and he likes his neighborhood pure and clean and wholesome (even though, you know, his best friend the other neighbor is fucking the garage door repairmen. But I digress).
           So as an answer to that, below are the 2 songs that I blasted on repeat within 10 feet of this man and his sandblaster, which I guarantee he could no longer hear once the music bumped, for 3 hours straight, just one after another after another after a-fucking-nother.

            First, I've gotta say that Cee Lo Green is the fucking man. His new album is awesome. And Enrique, well, when did he give up those gay ballads and grow a pair? Vulgarity never sounded so... pretty.
            Speaking of which, for whatever fucked up reason, God blessed this skinny white kid with a soulful singing voice, so singing my lungs out to these songs was just the icing on the cake while my neighbor pretended he couldn't hear me, or Mr. Green, or Enrique. Rest assured, Mr Neighbor heard all three of us.
             In between songs I could hear him grumble, sigh, moan, and whine (at one point he asked, "are you kidding me?" under his breath) and like the colossal weiner he is, he never once gathered the testicles required to ask me just to simply turn it down. He just grabbed his sander, packed up, and went back inside.
             And unfortunately for me, I listened to so much Enrique I went back into the house looking like this guy.
             But it was damn worth it.
             Bryan: 2. Neighbor: 0
             All in all, it was tame revenge, but it was a fun way to take my mind off of the Rubix cube that is my car's engine, and I figure hey, maybe he'll get the hint and back off of us a little. And if he doesn't, I'll just put him in a jiu jitsu arm bar and make him look like this.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Pleased
Beer:: Quadruple B-pass
Shower: I'm gonna be singing Cee Lo in the shower till my lungs fall out



48 comments:

  1. You could always ask some friends to come over and wreck his car while you're in a place with neutral alibi's (bank, grocery store, out of town with plane ticket stubs, etc).

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  2. I'm not trying to be messy or help contribute to the madness that might possibly get you arrested...but--I remember putting runny cat shit on the INSIDE of my ex boyfriend's car door handle. When he went to open the door, he had a nice little shitty surprise ;) You can watch from a distance and laugh your ass off when you see him sniff his fingers and spontaneously stop drop and roll on the ground like a god damn idiot ;)

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  3. How about skunk piss scent squeezed up inside his door handles so when he touches it he'll have it all over him? That works pretty good. I don't know how I would ever know that.

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  4. um...i was gonna suggest an ipod, but i can see that i am way out of my depth here.

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  5. What's the temperature? You could always get out the hose and ice the car. No damage, but Bryan: 3 Neighbor: 0.

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  6. enrique inglesias is such a hottie. wouldhusband/10 (not serious)


    ectomorphmuscle.blogspot.com

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  7. Enrique Inglesias? He is still around? Not really my taste! I post music videos quite a bit.

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  8. I've put dog shit in the door handle of this guys car once because he's a huge tool. I later found out that his mom actually grabbed it and not him.

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  9. i got nothing, but good luck. most of my ideas involve serious injury possibilities and most likely jailtime...

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  10. Hahaha. Payback's a bitch as they say.

    http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

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  11. I'm always singing Smiley Faces by Gnarls Barkley in the shower lol! Cee Lo's voice is so fun.

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  12. I think your method of blasting music is a great idea. May I also suggest a little Dr. Dre, preferably The Chronic. Plenty of bass thumpin, booty jumpin vulgar G-Funk on that record. And because it's a diss record, you can substitute your neighbor's name every time Dre and Snoop diss Eazy-E. Hilarity!

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  13. I agree with 90% of it. I in fact am a man that is 40...and I love C lo. Though I am not Christian. So that might have something to do with it.

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  14. hahaha! Great post man! Gotta say, I literally laughed out loud when I saw the two songs you were playing.

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  15. Enrique Iglesias for the win bro! Listen to some Metallica and Slayer to dude \m/

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  16. Sounds like he got what was coming to him. I hope you didn't turn too gay after listening to ricky. Wait, actually I hope you do, free tonight? ;-)

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  17. your neighbour must have been pissed doing that car noise LOL

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  18. lol this shit is the reason why Im on blogger. Good post man. You should bump some lil jon next time...im sure all the YEEEEAAAAHHHH's would really grind his gears. no pun intended.

    thanks for the shoutout too man. stay you.

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  19. Well you aren't doing anything illegal but that is just hilarious. I only listened to the beginning of both songs and the bass with the girl and wow. What a way to get back!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

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  20. That's hilarious that you blasted "Fuck You"

    I wish I had neighbors to piss off, but the neighbors beside me and above me moved a while ago (well, the lady beside my place died and nobody noticed for a few days)... gross, i know.. but i can blast music all day/night

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  21. I am also in fact, a skinny white kid with a soulful voice, true story bro

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  22. lol cee lo rocks, great choice!

    blundersfrom6foot2.blogspot.com

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  23. Funny, very funny, you could change the blog name or make a new blog called A Beer for the Shower: The Neighbour Wars, I'd follow.

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  24. This is awesome..Yes, the neighbor shall be cracking very shortly..

    You are too damn funny!!
    Vrooooom, Vrooooom!!!!

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  25. If Enrique and Cee-Lo don't get his attention (seriously Cee-Lo's album is BY FAR the best pop album to be released in recent memory) then you will need to upgrade to some black metal, or grindcore.

    I suggest Brutal Truth.

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  26. Part of me thinks that rather than ratcheting things up, you just need to be the bigger man, and go tell him to his face, earnestly, that what he has been doing is inappropriate, and that you can resolve your differences.

    Of course, the other part of me thinks you should plant evidence in his car or home suggesting to him or his wife that one of them is not faithful.

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  27. Have I ever told you that you are absolutely brilliant? Well, you are.

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  28. I apologize. I didn't read the article but the song fuck you by cee lo green should be song of the year for 2010

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  29. From my experience of neighbors from hell: HEAVY METAL. no, make that VERY HEAVY METAL. Add to this a few people wondering around with satanic-looking tattoos and voila. Troublesome neighbors awaaaay!

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  30. interesting post, keep it up

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  31. Makes me glad I get along with my neighbor.

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  32. Agh that is terrible. Have you tried speaking with him?

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  33. You actually went easy on him in regards to your music, "Fuck You" is a legitimately good and catchy song. I would've gone with something far more inane and repetitive, say, "Black and Yellow."

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  34. Okay, you need professional help, I've seen the BatShit Signal on the low hanging clouds...
    youtube Todd Snider's "Conservative Christian, Right Wing Republican, Straight White American Males" song and get yourself a copy on a loop. That's your new theme song.
    Here's the first direct action assault I've suggested in three years. My previous clients are available if you need references.

    Drill a small pilot hole (1/16inch into any support beam in a wall between your side of the building and his. Screw in a long (several inches into the wood) sheet metal screw, leaving about 1/8" protruding from the drywall or stud. Go buy fifteen feet of nice, strong, thin gauge wire. Put a nail into the floor (through carpet works best) ten or twelve feet away from the screw in the wall. Wrap the wire tightly around the screw, pull it taut and wrap it tightly around the nail in the flooring.
    You now have yourself what is known as a resonator. This thing won't sound like much when you strum it on YOUR side of the wall, because you'll have air/carpet/curtains/furniture/people to baffle the sound, but to him it will sound like an earthquake. The low frequency buzzing vibration will literally shake the pictures out of alignment on his walls, and you can simply lie down on the floor with headphones and strum along with your favorite tunes. If you use a metal object for a pick, even better.
    You can thank me later. This is absolutely maddening, impossible to trace, and if you set it up out of your way you don't have to take it down... just leave it up, and every time you go through that room give 'er a twang or two. If you set up SEVERAL of them in various studs of varying lengths, the resonance takes on different tones. You might even develope a musical talent, go an American Idol, and win millions.
    No need to thank me, the mental visual is enough.

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  35. Go to a local church or something and tell them that your neighbor's a devil worshiper that badly needs guidance.

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  36. cooperlife has a thought, there... I once called up a local Jehovah's Witness church or temple of asylum (whatever they call their buildings) and invited a group over to "my" house for a dinner so that my family could hear their sales pitch with me. Gave them directions to my mark's house, turn by turn.
    He was drinking a beer in his living room when they arrived expecting dinner. They weren't amused. My target knew I had called them on his "behalf" and gave them my name. The "minister" or whatever he was said he was going to call the police on me... for impersonating a Christian, I guess...
    Two birds with one stone (or phone call, in this case) They came back to HIS house several times after that meeting in an attempt to bring him around.
    Some pranks just keep giving.

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  37. Epic post....

    @squatlo I'm never crossing you dude...class

    Empty a can of used engine oil under his car and let him go find the leak.

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  38. I kinda wish I had annoying neighbors to mess with, all mine just keep to themselves.

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  39. Bahaha, great post as always guys! I was surprised by how not deep your voice was, actually... o.O congratulations on getting your revenge though lmao

    http://lifeofbaron.blogspot.com

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  40. lol "skinny white kid with a soulful singing voice" that's funny

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  41. Hilariosity! I don't think I ever laughed at written word..until now! Love your humor.

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  42. Oh god. My neighbor has some sort of V-8 (V-8million, is that a thing?) monster behemoth gigantor truck that shakes my house when its running and they live *across the street* for some reason they like to leave the truck idling in the driveway burning a gallon of gas every minute or something. And they are always coming and going! When its not ridiculously vibrating bass at 2am on a Monday night its fireworks in December or yelling for their kids or shooting birds or revving their motorcycles and the 28 trucks they have on the front lawn. I drive a MINI COOPER. I have no revenge! Tips?

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