Monday, February 28, 2011

I Like to Push It Push It

         So I could take the easy way out and make a post about the Oscars this weekend, and how they sucked... or how James Franco sucked... or how Anne Hathaway sucked, but let's be honest, I didn't even watch the Academy Awards. I played video games in my underwear, which seemed like a much better choice. A choice I still stand by.
         What I did do, this weekend, was yell at my car. Specifically, at the starter, which went out again for the 5th time in 8 years. The starter, for those not in the know, is a little motor that kick starts the engine, allowing it to turn over. Mine failed in the Safeway parking lot, leaving me unable to start my car.
          For starters (pun completely intended) the car in question is a '95 Taurus SHO. S-H-O stands for Super High Output, because it has a big beefy Yamaha engine in it. So basically, there's the little hamster engine that's in the standard Taurus...


          And then there's the SHO.


        I think he's been taking steroids.
        Anyhow, I was stuck in the Safeway parking lot, with a car that wouldn't start, and it was frustrating because the engine was perfectly fine; it's just the starter that was toast. I was yelling at the engine--hey, just start for me once, just until we get home, okay?--but it refused to listen to me.



         A little trick I've learned, from having a car that eats through starters like Jessica Simpson eats through a bag of Krispy Kremes, is that you can push start it. What you do is get a friend to push the car while you hold in the clutch, and when it gets up to a reasonable speed (5 mph) you let out the clutch, sharply, and give it some gas. The car will start.
         If you don't have a friend with you, then you get to push the car by yourself, run as fast as you can up to the driver side door, flop inside, and try to start it, all in one go. You also get to look like a fucking retard to anyone watching, which is always a mysteriously huge amount when your car breaks down.
         I started off by pushing the car alllll the way to the back of the parking lot, leaving me a lot of room to push it. Then, while everyone stood and watched like slack-jawed, brain-dead morons, I proceeded to push my car a few hundred feet, try to hop in--nope, wouldn't start--cuss my brains out... and then push it all the way back to try it again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Not surprisingly, it's hard to get a 3,300 lb car up to speed by yourself when you're 1/20th the size. It's even harder when the useless bystanders all around you grab their bags of popcorn and watch you like you're must see TV instead of asking if you need help.
      

Thanks for the help you useless fucktards

        After about the 5th attempt, a Mexican man sitting in a pedophile van came to ask me... um... I have no idea what the fuck he was asking me. He only spoke Spanish, and I only speak English and German (why the fuck did I spend 4 years in high school learning this? Oh, right, because of my killer Hitler impersonation. STILL WORTH IT).
         I didn't understand a word this nice Mexican man was saying. And see, the thing about talking to someone who doesn't speak your language is that you use a lot of hand gestures. And you keep saying the same words, like maybe he'll understand 'starter' if you say 'el starter' or 'el starter-o.' You end up looking like 2 monkeys trying to squawk at each other over the last banana.



        I gave up on him, gave my car one last triumphant push across the lot, hoofed it up to the driver's seat, and when I threw myself in and kicked out the clutch, the hamster roared to life. My car was started! ... and no thanks to the yokels that had all gathered like I was the world's worst street performer.
        Later, I yanked out the starter and took it to Checker Auto Parts to swap it out. The guy behind the counter was fat... amusingly fat. He was fat to the point of being morbidly obese. The kind where he had those deep, labored, Darth Vader breaths even when he wasn't doing anything.


             Of course, after working on my car for an hour, I wasn't looking much better. But at least it runs now.



Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Ignored
Beer: I need many. Stat.
Shower: I need many. Stat.




The 'Beast' when it's functioning

40 comments:

  1. I seriously passed out from laughter at the black face cartoon! *I'm black, and I approve this cartoon* LMMFAO!

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  2. At what point have you paid more for replacement starters than it would take to get a newer car? Great post, many lols were had, but I feel your pain. I had a 97 Dodge Intrepid with similar problems, and when the repair bills got too much, I just gave it the 'Old Yeller' treatment.

    Here's the shotgun, son. Do the right thing. Woof!

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  3. funny..loved all the cartoons.
    Oscar show wasnt tht bad, James Franco seemed to be stoned, Hathaway tried her best it wasnt bad:)

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  4. hi, i'm here for the scheisse film? and the hitler impression.

    i'm waiting...

    pis.s. that hamster goes to my gym. total douchebag.

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  5. Best comics ever >_<. The point is you got your car working :D

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  6. @Lost.In.Idaho Many moons ago I bought a starter with a lifetime warranty, so I pay nothing. No old yeller treatment needed. This starter's on the house! And this car is way too fun to ditch.

    @Kage don't tempt me. I have a youtube account, a digital camera, and a very fucked up sense of humor...

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  7. Hilarious, great post, and sorry about what happened to you.

    Dat engine though.

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  8. My greatest hope for tomorrow is that I will see someone pushing their car then running to try and jump into it. I hope to catch it on film and blog about it. That is my hope.
    However, that having been said, this was hilarious! The black face comment is totally something my 13 year old would have said. He's all about proving how not racist he is. It's nice to know this goes on in other parts of the universe!
    You are so funny!

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  9. LOL! I really enjoyed that. I'm just showing my support.

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  10. I'm sorry you had so much trouble. If nothing else, you wrote about it in an amusing manner. :)

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  11. dang lots of work going into your 95 taurus. rare car nowadays.

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  12. Nothing like an unexpected adventure in the car park and all the entertainment you gave to others, they all had stories to tell when they got home, would like to see your Hitler impersonation, good that you got it sorted though.

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  13. whoa, that is one ripped hamster. He needs a mate. I volunteer.

    I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it was good exercise, no? (:

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  14. Great comics, I would have been totally there with the group munching popcorn and if it went on for a long time, ordered pizza.

    I learned the push and jump start a car in high school. Every kid should start with a piece of crap car.

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  15. That is a sexy sexy automobile you have. Good call on the lifetime warranty.

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  16. dude youre hilarious, you must be ripped from pushing that car all the time

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  17. That was a good and funny post brother man. LOL Cars piss me off so bad. Hope your new starter lasts a looooong time :)

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  18. That is a ridiculous engine in that car. Can you say sleeper.

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  19. Wow. Real restraint there - can't believe you didn't drop-kick the starter. I am diggin' those cartoons. LMAO. Oink.

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  20. is that a ford tauras... those still exist? thats like the nicest one ive seen. all the ones in canada are usuall rusted through and gray and rust colour. sweet ride. even thought mine is better still good job :D

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  21. At least Yamaha makes a pretty looking engine.

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  22. I left a long-ass comment, but it was eaten by the Hooey Gods. Been that kind of day.
    Once had a friend who owned a Dodge that came over with Columbus, and every so often (whenever it was raining or inconvenient) he'd have to KICK his starter. Literally clim in under the hood of that old tank and kick the bitch. Finally convinced him to get a baseball bat so he didn't look as ridiculous in parking lots, and no one fucks with a pissed off guy wielding a baseball bat.

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  23. so this is how cars work! I approve of the German tho :p

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  24. well done on the car - I've given up fixing mine too complicated these days...and everything is so tightly crammed in

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  25. took 5 years of German myself-and I ask myself that same question everytime I have to try and engage a conversation with the gardners...ugh.

    Sorry bout your pissy/jackass of a hampster engine. Good luck with that. Hey-if nothing else it provided your followers with laughs...that's worth something-right?

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  26. Definitely better than the Oscars which I did not watch btw. Our tire went flat, the battery died in FL so we got a jump and then it died in GA when we got gas. Sounds like we had a similar weekend. Except I was in 87 degree sun.

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  27. thats pretty rrough... but at least you got a it running, and a good story out of it!

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

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  28. If I didn't know better, by reading this post I would have thought you lived in the dirrrty dirrrty south! I guess ignorant people are all over....

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  29. Hey, were "tagged" by a reader and thought you would do an awesome job (if you haven't done so already). http://pickleope.blogspot.com/2011/02/completing-our-obligations-as-part-of.html

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  30. Very funny. Didn't know high-powered Taurses killed starter motors. I guess Found On Road Dead really actually (almost) applies :P

    So...did you get the new starter on warranty?

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  31. I would have called AAA, or forced one of the on-lookers to help me. That is bullshit....

    They should have helped.

    http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com

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  32. I love your illustrations, sorry that no one helped you. I remember ON MY BIRTHDAY my ex and I were driving home after class that we had together (broke up shortly after and still had that class which was really awkward) his car ran out of gas.

    He pushed his little Honda CRX 2 miles to a gas station. I was pissed.

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

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  33. My Starter has taken a crap on me many times too... I should really do a post on my 1985 Chevy Blazer. Fun times.

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  34. Indeed, even with their great reputation, BMW 3 arrangement maintenance agreements are a keen decision for generally purchasers. Due to the lively feel and superior of these littler models, numerous drivers tend to push them as far as possible, expanding the odds for some sort of mechanical issue to manifest throughout the years.

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