Saturday, February 12, 2011

Fuck Wal-Mart


Most of the time, I try not to go to Wal-Mart. Not so much because of its cancerous consumption of the global market, or anything noble. No, it’s because every time I step inside, I feel like my soul is being leeched out through my pores. Maybe it’s a greenhouse effect caused by the combination of fluorescent lighting and decades of toxic floor wax. Or, maybe it’s the in-your-face train wreck of humanity that shoots Darwin’s evolutionary theory all to hell. But, try as I might to steer clear of the place, sometimes a guy just needs to buy shotgun shells, some diapers, and a new bath curtain all at the same time.
 So there I was, in the checkout line at the Cicero Wal-Mart, inspecting the lustrous shine of my new seahorse-themed shower curtain. In front of me was a spandex diva whose rapt attention was tied up in the Weekly World News. As she intently studied breaking developments in the love affair between Bigfoot and Queen Elizabeth, her children hellspawn brood of Ritalyn junkies terrorized the candy rack and chewed through the cellophane of the newest Pokemon video game. Screaming and slapping ensued between the brothers, and I had to step back to give a little room so that a ten-year-old could properly execute a chokehold.
It made for good theater, like a miniature re-enactment of Cain and Abel with candybar bludgeons, so only when his face started turning blue did I clear my throat to warn big momma that her youngest was about to be smited. Even in Wal-Mart, fratricide is frowned upon. I think.
“Excuse me, miss,” I said.
Her lips stopped mouthing words, and without moving a muscle, her eyes drilled into me.
“Yeah?”
I nodded to the mess of writhing bodies on the floor. “I think you’re about to have an only child.”
With one swift kick from her leopard print boot, the two kids were upright, wheezing, and glaring at me as well. A shiny purple claw shot out from the woman’s fist to point at my face.
“Why don’t you just mind your own fucking business?” said the spandex queen, with a jiggling hip thrust.
“I was trying to. But it’s hard to hear myself think over the sound of bad parenting.”
And then, like a flying walrus, she was on top of me. The bath curtain, diapers, and shotgun shells were tossed aside by her immensity. This was it. The end. I was being crushed to death by a shiny, foul-mouthed monster wearing too much perfume, and there was nothing I could do. Every punch I threw was only swallowed by a roll of blubber. But, finally, against all odds, amidst a flurry of “motherfuckers” and “cocksuckers,” I managed to reach over and swing open the door to the mini check-out soda cooler and knock her big ass unconscious.
I crawled to my feet and prepared for retaliation from the cubs, but was caught off guard by the door greeter, who had limped up behind me with his cane and a chloroform soaked rag. The next thing I knew, I’d been bested by a geriatric employee, and the world went fuzzy. The last thing I saw were two very angry looking security guards in blue vests. Their smiley face buttons weren’t smiling.
“You shouldn’t have made trouble,” they said.  
Upon regaining consciousness, I found that I’ve been chained to a sewing machine, and have since been forced to learn the ways of the soccer ball stitcher. I don’t know where I am, but the climate feels tropical and none of my new sweatshop friends speaks a lick of English. Jesus, I wish I’d paid more attention in Spanish class in high school, because I was never that good at charades. And it’s nearly impossible to do sign language when you run your hand through the sewing machine every five minutes.
Fuck Wal-Mart.

Cheers,
-Brandon

Music: My new friend Mario’s pan-flute rendition of The Rolling Stones
Cerveza: Warm, yellow, and non-carbonated. I don’t think this is beer.


42 comments:

  1. omg. there really are some awful parents out there.

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  2. That's fecking funny for all the right reasons. Good work.

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  3. Bizarre - I do believe my next post at my own blog was going to be on this very topic... maybe I was behind you in line.

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  4. When I first started blogging I wrote about how I hated Walmart. I still do. There's so many reasons aren't there?

    http://bouncinbarbs.blogspot.com/2010/09/another-reason-why-i-hate-walmart.html

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  5. in my counter we don't have walmart - thanks God :)

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  6. Walmart is the most evil of all the evil empires.

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  7. LOL wait did this really happen...

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  8. Wow. So much courage and wit. I loved it! You describe things so elegantly -- yes, I'm using that word to describe this post.

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  9. hellspawn brood of Ritalyn junkies....brilliant imagery dude, just plain brilliant - lol'd I really did

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  10. I couldn't agree more...just posted or Emo-Vomited on the very same subject just a few days ago. Different specifics of course but the same basic story line of being over-run by various overweight Clowns, Carnival Workers, Bearded Ladies and the MVP's of the Shitty Parents Club and their Rug-Rats for the last 6 years running! All this while trying to buy cat litter, eggs, a DVD and Boxer Shorts. A typical Saturday morning at Wal*Mart...

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  11. That was the best and funniest Walmart story I have heard of yet. I hope you make it back home in one piece.

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  12. I wonder if anyone can get out of Walmart without a kick-ass fight. Loved, in particularly: the music and the beer. Too. Funny.

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  13. Don't worry I'll do a Back Trace on the IP you posted from. I'm part of the cyber police. Ok it looks like your posting from... The swamplands of Alabama.. o god no. Nobody can save you.

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  14. Lmao! Hilarious story, sir!

    Although my keyboard could use some cleaning now. I accidentally spewed some soup onto it after clicking the spandex diva link. *shiver*

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  15. better hope the ice caps melt quickly cuz the world is quickly becoming one giant shallow end of the gene pool...

    were coming to bust you out! but first i have to run and get some duct tape, 20 lbs of chicken wings, 2 hawaiian shirts, a minifridge, a set of tires, some hunting arrows and ju jubes...
    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  16. If you ever find yourself inside of a Wal-Mart at 3am be prepared to see the weirdest people in the world-- it happened to me once, and I can safely say it was very traumatizing

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  17. We don't have Walmart in this country. (Looks smug). We do, however, have it's equivalent. Sigh. Some evils are universal, they just have different names in different places.

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  18. I avoid Walmart the same way I try to avoid dry heaves, and for the same reasons: it's a soul-sucking experience that you SWEAR will never happen to you again.
    The mumu mama's and their snotty nosed little clones are only part of the problem. Seeing those legions of underpaid employees with their dark, soul-less looks of quiet desperation at work is disheartening.
    The sweat shop analogy at the end was sweet. Let us know when your book is published...

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  19. Wal-mart is one of those places everyone hates, quite vocally in most cases, and yet still frequents on at least a weekly basis. We can't help it, we're consumers!

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  20. Ha! Sounds like a typical day in Wal Mart. It's always the geezer with the chloroform who spoils the fun. Good luck with the sewing. Oh, wait! Don't tell me you're not really sewing...

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  21. Wal-mart owns Asda in England and that's almost as bad. Cheap though.

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  22. Bahaha, damn. I wonder at what point in this story things went fiction... Anyways, I myself really hate those kind of people who get all in your face when they aren't controlling their goddamn children and you speak up about it.

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  23. "Their smiley-face buttons weren't smiling."

    Killer phrase.

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  24. wow, didnt know that walmart provided free entertainment as well. Nexttime,my trip to target is going to be detoured

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  25. Some people have no business being parents...and the fact that somebody SLEPT WITH THEM! Eww.

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  26. what the fuck!?! following to see if this dude's alive or what the

    limitfear.blogspot.com

    that story was crazy!

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  27. haha! i've never been called a spandex diva before.

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  28. Chloroform strikes again! Glad to hear you at least tried to upset the system. Fight the power and all that.

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  29. Got your perfect Walmart hats available at my site, so go on over and get 'em while you can!

    squatty

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  30. Hahahah I feel the same way man, i hate walmart with a passion.

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  31. Ha ha! Fucking awesome writing. =P

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  32. Yeah I'm sorry if their own mother doesn't notice that her kids are doing crap like that I wouldn't bother with it unless they were trying to mess with me.

    People are just too argumentative now a days.

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

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  33. “I was trying to. But it’s hard to hear myself think over the sound of bad parenting.”

    Funniest thing I have ever read!! Well done, Brandon. Well done.

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  34. I'll second that! By the way, the link in the 'Best Of ABFtS' list doesn't work.

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  35. You are so right ! I feel The same way ! Very good and funny article!

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  36. How's that new language coming along?

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  37. Oh holy shit! I burst out laughing at this. Ya know, on the rare occasions that I enter Walmart (or Satan's Belly as my husband and I call it), I actually feel so intelligent and classy.

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  38. Walmart India is a known corporate terrorist that has reached to the top by kicking, and hurting all the people connected to their warped system. However, we should realise the fact that the people behind this corporate beast have been manipulating humanity for a long time.

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