Dunce-worthy (Part Two)

Alright, folks. In case you missed Monday, this is the second half of a look at the stereotypes of the Second Grade and how they have a tendency of tattooing your future on your forehead. Here we go…

            The Flirt – Yes even in Second Grade, hearts are bound to be broken. Custody battles over the monkey bars are a precursor to summer homes and liquidated assets. This kid is what you might call girl- or boy-crazy, or, in the future, a creep or a trollop, respectively. Possible futures include: Professional gigolo or cabana boy, porno fluffer, matrimonial gold-digger, the office manager who was disappointed that there was no girl-on-girl in the Sexual Harassment training video.

            The Cool Kid – Even at eight-years-old, this detached little fella knows that he’s bound for a life of misunderstood angst and Camel cigarettes. Just you try to tell him that colored pencils don’t belong in the crayon box; he’ll put a size 2 boot in your shin. Possible futures include: Rock and Roll legend, pool hustler, chalk outline outside local biker bar.

            The Fat Kid – In the fallout of the McDonalds generation, I hear there’s more of an epidemic now, but in my day this rotund chap took the brunt of every pseudo-retarded joke The Bully ever came up with. In elementary school my best friend was The Fat Kid. His best friend was The Geek. Possible futures include: Motivational speaker, celebrated chef, seasonal mall Santa, token best friend in every contemporary chick flick made.

            The Rich Kid – Be it the Gameboy Color or the Power Rangers Megazord, this is the kid who has all the cool shit. The fruit of his parents’ solid financial decision-making will highlight just how crappy your knock-off Spider-Dude lunchbox is. Possible futures include: Inheritor of mother’s second summer house, frequent ass-paddling in the Delta Chi fraternity house, twin telephone directories of ex-wives/husbands and law offices.

            The Special Needs Kid – Fairly self-explanatory. Now, I know what you’re thinking. And no, I’m not an asshole. But come on, every class has at least one of these kids. Good people, the lot of them. Possible futures include: Governor of a geographical wasteland (i.e. Texas or Alaska), and even President of the U.S. See, that's not so bad.

-Brandon (Geek Pride, represent)

Music: Method Man & Redman

Beer: Honker’s Ale, chilling in the front yard (apparently, we got a little snow last night).