Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dunce-worthy (Part Two)

            The Flirt – Yes even in Second Grade, hearts are bound to be broken. Custody battles over the monkey bars are a precursor to summer homes and liquidated assets. This kid is what you might call girl- or boy-crazy, or, in the future, a creep or a trollop, respectively. Possible futures include: Professional gigolo or cabana boy, porno fluffer, matrimonial gold-digger, the office manager who was disappointed that there was no girl-on-girl in the Sexual Harassment training video.
            The Cool Kid – Even at eight-years-old, this detached little fella knows that he’s bound for a life of misunderstood angst and Camel cigarettes. Just you try to tell him that colored pencils don’t belong in the crayon box; he’ll put a size 2 boot in your shin. Possible futures include: Rock and Roll legend, pool hustler, chalk outline outside local biker bar.
            The Fat Kid – In the fallout of the McDonalds generation, I hear there’s more of an epidemic now, but in my day this rotund chap took the brunt of every pseudo-retarded joke The Bully ever came up with. In elementary school my best friend was The Fat Kid. His best friend was The Geek. Possible futures include: Motivational speaker, celebrated chef, seasonal mall Santa, token best friend in every contemporary chick flick made.
            The Rich Kid – Be it the Gameboy Color or the Power Rangers Megazord, this is the kid who has all the cool shit. The fruit of his parents’ solid financial decision-making will highlight just how crappy your knock-off Spider-Dude lunchbox is. Possible futures include: Inheritor of mother’s second summer house, frequent ass-paddling in the Delta Chi fraternity house, twin telephone directories of ex-wives/husbands and law offices.
            The Special Needs Kid – Fairly self-explanatory. Now, I know what you’re thinking. And no, I’m not an asshole. But come on, every class has at least one of these kids. Good people, the lot of them. Possible futures include: Governor of a geographical wasteland (i.e. Texas or Alaska), and even President of the U.S. See, that's not so bad.
-Brandon (Geek Pride, represent)
Music: Method Man & Redman
Beer: Honker’s Ale, chilling in the front yard (apparently, we got a little snow last night).

29 comments:

  1. I was the loner kid. But I grew out of it once the beer and weed stage hit in me as a teen.

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  2. love the picture of geowsarabushlin!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  3. lmfao@the flirt reference! I knew a girl who was like that in from childbirth...I hate that beyoch! lol

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  4. What about the class clown who was destined to be a future meth addict? I guess we just don't speak about him.

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  5. Which do you think is most likely to drink beer in the shower when they grow up? Haha.

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  6. I use to know a rich kid and everyone was trying to be his friend because he would give away his pokemon cards away lol

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  7. lol flirts are everywhere!

    blundersfrom6foot2.blogspot.com

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  8. I was the fat kid... reading that almost made me cry, but then I remembered that I've recently become ALPHA as fuck... your BETA ass wouldn't understand...

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  9. great observations once again. also im so jealous of you now that i saw that photo

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  10. Haha, great observations. Good use of all that snow, btw. :P

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  11. I've been a few of those. Crazy times

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  12. I'm pretty sure I was the special needs kid. The A.D.D kids thought I was too hyper...

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  13. After that picture I need a beer signed The Lonely Angry Kid.

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  14. Mondays will be drinking with the seldom seen kid...

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  15. im not gonna lie, i was the cool kid

    ectomorphmuscle.blogspot.com

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  16. I was Fat Kid at one point. Then later, in my early twenties I gained a shitload of weight and became the Fat College Kid.

    I lost the weight and now am more of a Semi-Fat Not Kid.

    Also, I love these posts. I love them so much that I wish I had written them. DAMN YOU!

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  17. I am and was a nerdy kid. kinda the weird one.

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  18. I've been a little bit of everything at one point, even special needs lol

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  19. The fat kid is also the one that becomes hot and rich when he grows up... right?... RIGHT!?!

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  21. Oh man! I was the last one! Now I'm having severe flashbacks!!!

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  22. Ha! "alaskawtf" is gone.
    He should have gone with "illinoisftw" or "arizonasfw".

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  23. you seem to have missed one; the kid who sits at the back of the class, not listening and sniffing glue. what do you call that one again?

    oh yeah. kage.

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  24. Good post, but that picture makes me me thirsty, so I'm not going to comment, I'm going to go home and raid the fridge!

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  25. Texas isn't a wasteland! But alas, it is a land with a lot of oil-rich idiots...

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  26. The first woman I loved was the nurse who helped my Mom push! me into this world. Now I'm a rather unsuccessful matrimonial gold-digger.... Why did you have to remind me?

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