Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Digging That Sweet Internet Gold

          A wise man--I believe it was Jesus Christ or Martin Luther King Jr or Harry Potter (I'm terrible with history and I don't care much for research)--said, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."
          This old adage worked once upon a time ago, but this day and age, it might better be said, "Pay a bunch of men minimum wage to fish for you, eat whatever you can and get fat, sell the rest, and then spend your time playing Xbox 360 in your underwear."
         Goddammit, it's The American Way (TM).
         Ever since losing my job (they took his job!) I've been trying to find a cash cow of my own, but so far, no luck. I've spent most of my adult life working a white collar job in a cubicle, but that was just awful, and let's face it, after 6 years of that, I'm not any closer to that big bath tub full of money (what the fuck is he doing to that guy?).
         Anyway, I've heard there's some money to be had from the Internet, so maybe that's an avenue I need to explore. Here are some ideas I've either been considering or have already starting doing.

1. Do Internet surveys. Seriously. I spend about an hour each morning doing these, and in exchange for trying out the most godawful new products, I get small amounts of money. So, was the $6 I got worth trying out Trojan's new 'Fire and Ice' condom and essentially rubbing Icy Hot (which is freezing cold, and then scorchingly hot) all over my junk? Possibly. Besides, if that new 0 calorie, 0 sugar Pepsi I'm trying gives me cancer, well, someone's got a lawsuit on his hands! Win/win.

BTW, now would typically be the part where I give you links to my favorite survey sites, which is really just a referral link for me to get more cash, but I find that kinda tacky. You guys are smart. Just do your research and find the most reputable ones. The nonreputable ones usually have bad spelling, bad rewards programs, and end with rape. Always carry a rape whistle when doing surveys.

2. Blog. Apparently the ads on this site can generate money based on what you type. So that's why today's entry is going to be about the time I slayed the mythical CocaColaHondaNintendoReebokMonster. He looks a lot like this. And to celebrate slaying him, I drank an ice cold Samuel Adams, which is always a good decision. Also, Justin Bieber stopped by. Or was that Justin BieBear? Even knockoffs attract Internet traffic.

So, have I sold my soul enough yet? Am I rich? No? Well, then I guess I'll have to stick to writing about things that I care about.

You may laugh, but you know you guys roll your eyes when you see that ONE blog that has nothing but blatant advertising pasted all over, as some kind of lame, home brewed experiment to get rich... and all they post for comments on your own page is "This was a good post!" so you'll comment on their blog.

Blog: "I finished my novel today!"
Thoughtless commenter: "Good post!"
Blog: "Today I had suicidal thoughts. I think I'm an alcoholic, and I'm slowly killing myself."
Thoughtless commenter: "Good post!"
Blog: "My mom was killed tragically in a car accident."
Thoughtless commenter: "Good post!"


You know what? Fuck off. (Bryan's note: what's fucking brilliant about this joke is that the thoughtless commenters won't be offended, because they won't read it anyway)


3. Nigerian E-mail Scam. Who said this was reserved to JUST Nigerians? Goddammit, we complain enough about foreigners taking American jobs, so let's bring this job back to America. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day, but teach a man to phish and he'll fuck people over for a lifetime. As I type this, I'm already creating an e-mail account for Dr. John Johnson, Esquire, and whipping together a poorly worded e-mail about winning an $18 billion Power Ball lottery. Expect one in your inbox soon.


4. E-Prostitution. Don't ask me why, but I decided to Google 'male gigolo', and it auto-filled the search bar with 'male gigolo jobs'. After you type the j in jobs, it auto-fills it again with locations. Apparently people are that hard up for money that they'll look for gigolo jobs on the Internet. I haven't reached that point yet, not only because I'm soon to be happily married, but because as a gigolo, you have to realize you're not going to get to sleep with this. You're going to have to sleep with this. And if you can do that and still go to sleep at night, well, then you have much bigger problems than your bank account being low.

How do you guys make some extra cash?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Naively optimistic
Beer: Sam Adams (ironically)
Shower: Not yet brimming with cash or some strange anime guy in a suit feeling me up

37 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel any better, I always like reading your posts, sometimes I'm just in a hurry and don't leave a really thoughtful comment.

    I really enjoy your blog, its one of my favorites :)

    If you really want to up your blog earnings use adwords keyword tool to look for higher paying keywords that are relevant to your site and try to work them into your posts.

    Hope everything is ok in your real life.

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  2. I have an idea...why don't you get together with your people and make an BLOG COMMUNITY PROMOTION SITE! you can charge folks to feature their blog for like ten bucks for like two weeks or some shit! I'd so join!

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  3. You could be like those bloggers who spend every waking moment blogging and have around 5000 followers. That'd make some cash. Pity you'd never be able to spend it though.
    Good post!

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  4. Meh, survey rape isn't that bad... I've been debating selling some of my extra organs on the black market (or "finding" some).

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  5. If I could figure that out I wouldn't be in this financial disaster I'm in right now. If you find any serious ways to make a few bucks, throw it my way. We're about to be homeless.

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  6. Good post! lol jk...i might have to look into that male gigolo gig...jk again. i made a lot of money selling stuff on ebay last summer.

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  7. OH MY GOSH! I'm crying laughing. I don't care how badly I needed money rubbing the sexual equivelant of icy hot on my lady junk sounds horrific!!!

    I'd avoid the American version of the Nigerian scam...it always makes the woman feel creepy and want to scrub in the shower.

    How about medical studies...do you have any strange conditions that you can enter clinical trials for? Sleep studies? How about donating sperm...pretty easy on your end and a bit of extra cash. You could always pimp out your fiance...if she is up for it. Not that you wouldn't make good money as a man whore...I'm gonna shut up now...

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  8. Blog: "I finished my novel today!"
    Thoughtless commenter: "Good post!"
    Blog: "Today I had suicidal thoughts. I think I'm an alcoholic, and I'm slowly killing myself."
    Thoughtless commenter: "Good post!"
    Blog: "My mom was killed tragically in a car accident."
    Thoughtless commenter: "Good post!"

    Absolute gold. I always put obscure references that have nothing to do with my post as my titles. I always get some nice but completely irrelevant comments based on the title.

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  9. No body knows the troubles I've seen, the sorrows I know.. Oh, sorry was thinking about my last get-rich scheme. I had the bright idea of being a tutor to school age kids. Well let me just say this, after raising my own (well almost done) I am just damn wore out on smart alecky teens, texting and worrying over their next FB post..Quit after 2 hrs. So my dear fellas, I am seriously liking your #2 plan.. Bet you all could come up with a name for Lynnie (Whew, I really typed all that?)

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  10. Or we could have our own Bravo Television show called, "The Real Bee-atchs of Blogsville". Hmm,

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  11. Now this was truly chock full of golden internet opportunities. Way better than the ones I'd get in Nigeria. haha

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  12. During my period of unemployment I taught English as a Second Language (apparently all you need to know is how to speak English. If you find one of the corporate ESL businesses, you don't need certification, just pass a basic grammar test), and Temp jobs and looked for real jobs during those temp jobs. It's amazing how incredibly happy temp employers are to have someone who's not a drooling mess.

    Good luck, and don't entertain the idea of stealing from homeless people, they are scrappy and can't feel pain.

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  13. I try to make extra money by busking. Playing guitar and singing. But it hasn't gone well I got to work on my singing lol

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  14. i bet my friends $10 they cant eat a tablespoon of cinnamon.. so far in the past 6 years, ive made $10.

    http://randomramblingggg.blogspot.com/

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  15. Hey man, I like my cubicle. It's beside the window!

    Good lord at the second "this" picture! She'd have to pay a pretty penny, and I'd have to be in serious debt to even consider it (and drunk as hell). And I'm no prize myself.

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  16. amen with the thoughtless comment person. There's nothing quite like a 3 word reaction to something that took 3 hours to write. And then they post the blog URL'ls as if I'm obligated to follow them just because they wrote 3 words.

    Hell i've had some people comment twice on the same blog post saying the same thing. HOURS apart so it wasn't just a double post mistake.

    RAGE

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  17. The part about the thoughtless commenters is not only true but freaking hilarious! Gave me the giggles. <3

    Good luck with internet jobs and stuff, you won't be getting a reply from me with that email!

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

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  18. I was thinking how clean and nice your blog looked without the ads, the I scrolled down to the comment box and was blinded by them. Oh well, money is money. I used to try to pimp my blog off on the 4chan blogger threads on /b/, but that turned out to bring in a lot of tards, who do end up leaving crap comments like you say. I might be getting a job soon though, so it's all good.

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  19. Fire and Ice condoms.....good grief, when I need extra money I sell my painted models.

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  20. what are you boys on about? making extra money is a cinch! there are LOADS and LOADS of jobs and opportunities out there, you must be blind not to see them all! unbelievable! i mean, in my city alone there is work every single DAY for scantily clad gorgeous girls with big tits who are willing to show their tits and ass and take their panties off and -

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    right. right.

    never mind.

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  21. Your argument for #4 is very compelling!

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  22. I'm moving to Delhi.

    Wait that didn't come out right.

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  23. Good Post
    LOL "Pay a bunch of men minimum wage to fish for you, eat whatever you can and get fat, sell the rest, and then spend your time playing Xbox 360 in your underwear"...The American Dream!

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  24. Do what I always do when money gets tight... sell drugs to little kids!

    Actually, being a photographer, I often get shots of people doing incredibly dorky, awkward, and embarrassing things. I show them the shot, then tell them that for a mere $5 they can watch me delete the picture instead of rushing home to upload it to the internet.
    People won't pay $5 for a flattering shot, but they'll pay five times that amount to keep one buried.
    Smile!

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  25. i once tried to do surveys but they stopped sending me. i dont know whats wrong man, now i just have blog ads

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  26. I buy junk from the local charity shop...take a few cool photo's and put it on ebay...it earns me cash - improves my photography - and i give a little back to charity :)
    got to find me one of those CocaColaHondaNintendoReebokMonsters to slay

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  27. Good stuff, I actually part of 2-3 survey websites, but it's SOOO annoying because I don't qualify for 80% of the survey's and I just shit away 30 minutes of my time I could be blogging haha. Oh well. Good idea about whoring out my blog btw. Pepsi Max, Ms. Field's cookies, and Super bowl ads are my favorite breakfast treat! haha.

    On the mindless comments: When I do respond with one sentence, I at least try to acknowledge what the blog is about, and not just be all "omg so funnah *link here to my whored out blog*"

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  28. First of all, good luck on finding a job! =]

    Second, I had a good laugh at the mindless comments. I have to admit, sadly, sometimes I've done the same. Some blogs simply paste a wall of text (without formatting) that has no sense. However you have pretty much interesting posts.

    I don't do those surveys, never been into that, blogging at the moment and trying this out :) The reason is because I find blogging fun, and even earning a little with it is nice.

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  29. Good post!;-)
    I would be happy to get pointers to make money too.

    Plz dont take me for a cruel person to laugh at your expense but the post is funny and love your narration ;)

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  30. Hey, you're a pretty enterprising guy - you should be rolling in it by now! If I could get paid to write I'd be in heaven.

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