Detoxification Proclamation

           This weekend I'm doing detox. No, I haven't had too many beers in the shower, I'm talking about a food detox. Every here and there the fiance and I, in an attempt to cleanse our body of toxins, will endure 3 days of eating nothing but lean white meat and green vegetables. After 3 days of hell, your body is rewarded with a fresh, clean slate, and your mind feels youthful and rejuvenated, like a fluffy white cloud.
           My body today, however, feels like a 10 car pile up, and my mind, which is crossing over into borderline insanity, is questioning what a fluffy white cloud might taste like. What I'm trying to say is that it's Saturday night, almost the end of day one, and my dog just caught me eying him hungrily.
          Don't judge. I wouldn't eat him, anyway, seeing as how he's too bony, has almost no meat, and is too fast for this malnourished writer to catch. I'd burn more calories trying to catch him than I would take in eating him. I'd be better off eating the poodle. He's slow witted and fat.
          I hope by now you realize I'm talking out of my quickly diminishing ass. I mean, sure, I've eaten some Chinese food in the past, but I'm not a big fan of eating pets. What I'm realizing, though, as I force another piece of chicken down my throat, is that I miss food. Simple food, even. I find myself craving a nice buttered slice of toast... or a creamy twice baked potato... or Burger King's 20 pound, twice-fried hamburger, with fried bun, fried lettuce, fried tomato, and optional fried mayonaisse. (What?--I'm American. Even if I'm a skinny American, I'm essentially trapped in the body of your stereotypical I-just-crossed-over-into-'morbidly-obese'-and-will-lose-my-foot-to-diabetes-but-are-you-gonna-finish-that-wedding-cake fat American)
           I would succumb to these food-porn fantasies, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I like having the body promised to me by awkward late night informercials, so I'm going to stick it through until Tuesday morning. I've made it my goal. I'm going to go through more lean white meat than a Paris Hilton bender, and I'm going to eat enough greens to start a small forest in my colon. Or I'll die trying.
           So, with a weakened body but an invigorated heart, I'm off to cook another round of chicken and greens. Have a great weekend, and I'll catch all of you later.
           And speaking of catch... where did that fat little poodle go?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Is hungry a mood? If not, sad for my stomach (hungry)
Beer: Heineken counts as a 'green', right?
Shower: You gonna eat that shower nozzle, bro?