Saturday, February 19, 2011

Detoxification Proclamation

           This weekend I'm doing detox. No, I haven't had too many beers in the shower, I'm talking about a food detox. Every here and there the fiance and I, in an attempt to cleanse our body of toxins, will endure 3 days of eating nothing but lean white meat and green vegetables. After 3 days of hell, your body is rewarded with a fresh, clean slate, and your mind feels youthful and rejuvenated, like a fluffy white cloud.
           My body today, however, feels like a 10 car pile up, and my mind, which is crossing over into borderline insanity, is questioning what a fluffy white cloud might taste like. What I'm trying to say is that it's Saturday night, almost the end of day one, and my dog just caught me eying him hungrily.
          Don't judge. I wouldn't eat him, anyway, seeing as how he's too bony, has almost no meat, and is too fast for this malnourished writer to catch. I'd burn more calories trying to catch him than I would take in eating him. I'd be better off eating the poodle. He's slow witted and fat.
          I hope by now you realize I'm talking out of my quickly diminishing ass. I mean, sure, I've eaten some Chinese food in the past, but I'm not a big fan of eating pets. What I'm realizing, though, as I force another piece of chicken down my throat, is that I miss food. Simple food, even. I find myself craving a nice buttered slice of toast... or a creamy twice baked potato... or Burger King's 20 pound, twice-fried hamburger, with fried bun, fried lettuce, fried tomato, and optional fried mayonaisse. (What?--I'm American. Even if I'm a skinny American, I'm essentially trapped in the body of your stereotypical I-just-crossed-over-into-'morbidly-obese'-and-will-lose-my-foot-to-diabetes-but-are-you-gonna-finish-that-wedding-cake fat American)
           I would succumb to these food-porn fantasies, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I like having the body promised to me by awkward late night informercials, so I'm going to stick it through until Tuesday morning. I've made it my goal. I'm going to go through more lean white meat than a Paris Hilton bender, and I'm going to eat enough greens to start a small forest in my colon. Or I'll die trying.
           So, with a weakened body but an invigorated heart, I'm off to cook another round of chicken and greens. Have a great weekend, and I'll catch all of you later.
           And speaking of catch... where did that fat little poodle go?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Is hungry a mood? If not, sad for my stomach (hungry)
Beer: Heineken counts as a 'green', right?
Shower: You gonna eat that shower nozzle, bro?

29 comments:

  1. Pffff, food detox is way easier than opiate detox. Nonetheless, play through the pain, bud. Just because your country and its lax food advertising tells you to eat a 20-lb hamburger, your constitution says you have a right to shoot that hamburger straight in the face.

    Oh, and I concur; Paris Hilton, indeed.

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  2. Dude, YOU CAN DO IT! *waterboy voice*
    I know that sh!t is hard, but you got this in the bag and it's all gonna pay off!

    Don't worry, if you end up eating spike there, I'm sure no one will snitch on you. Snitches get stitches ;)

    RUN POOCHIE, RUN!!!

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  3. Men do the dardnest things for women...

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  4. Just remember: If the West continues to become morbidly obese at the same rate as recent years, by 2020, 137% of us will be morbidly obese.

    The upside is probably that no one will be in any kind of shape to take a poll or even operate the scale…

    Detox is good.

    Stay near a restroom, though…

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  5. This was very funny and I joined your site. I found you over at Angry Lurker's place. Teleporting you a bag of homemade baked organic potato chips, lightly salted with quality sea salt. For after your detox, that is.

    Great post. Nice to meet you. Happy Weekend.

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  6. Good luck with your detox man. Eat your vegetables :D

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  7. I love my chicken and veggies, 3-4 meals a day.

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  8. Nice! I'm starting to get into that as well. The last 2 and half months have been filled with so many holiday parties, birthdays, and get-togethers and always w/more than enough food to feed a small country. Good luck!

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  9. Food porn, I like it and I hear this food detox messes with your poo aswell but a 20lb hamburger......nice.(sounds of drooling).

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  10. So you and the fiance are going to be the next generations "Jack Lalane and wife"?
    (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oL0nupqVjUc&feature=fvst)


    Seriously, do not eat the poodle, now the neighbors goldfish is another story?

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  11. Must be the season for detox... except I think your's is an over indulgence. Mine has been six days of vegetables, fruit and rice, copious amounts of apple juice, finished on the last day of drinking concoctions of epsom salts and water, and a night time cocktail of olive oil and grapefruit juice... all in the name of a healthy body, but obviously an unsane mind!

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  12. You took the words right outta my mouth. Heineken counts as green definitely. hahahaha. Good luck and you are a better person than I.

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  13. nice idea man! when you are done with the 3 days the normal food you usually eat will taste twice as good!

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  14. Have you thought about trying bulimia? That'll clear out your system.

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  15. bryan- i am going to help you my friend. i drank a shot at noon from a green bottle, followed by a couple scotch flavored beers, in green bottles, then two bloddymary's with pickle, olive, and lime, more green, then two oatmeal stouts for the oatmeal only, and topped off the day witha a couple crown and cokes. and a deepdish sausage and black olive with garlic crust, delelivered to my polluted fat ass at 10 pm...

    just doing my part

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  16. I'm craving those oversized chocolate chip cookies in my pantry... Good luck - and more power to you. I couldn't do it. Nope. Never. ;)

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  17. lolol @ the picture man. Funny stuff..


    following and supporting =)
    http://benny-lava.blogpsot.com

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  18. Make yourself a nice sup of chard and lean chicken.

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  19. Good luck!!! :D I hate detoxing, and yet its so good for you.

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  20. self-induced vomiting is a kind of detoxing, as i once said to my junior ballet class.

    i wonder why i don't teach there anymore?

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  21. Never done a detox before, but I'm one of those weirdos who eat healthy anyway. (Hot Tamales are healthy, right?)

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  22. Sounds pretty interesting, I've heard of people doing this but never really followed up on it. I can't wait to hear how this works out for you :D

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  23. Going through a similar thing. Pulling yourself away from absolute crap is harder than it sounds.

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  24. I once did this for a week and ate nothing but fruit and drank nothing but water...the first few days were hell but I felt great after it

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  25. does these 'detoxifications' work?

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  26. I hear you man after the Vegas food I need to do one of those. HAHAHA cat...

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

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  27. i like beer , and i like showers , there for i like getting drunk in showers, and this blog looks pretty cool too

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