Thursday, February 17, 2011

Cap'n No-Beard's New Kicks

       
           Since Brandon took a stance on his glorious new beard, I figured I'd take a stance on my, well, baby-face. In other words, if I was a pirate, I would not be the great Blackbeard or the fearsome Bluebeard. Alas, I would be the pathetic Cap'n No-Beard. Yarrrr. :-(
          On the plus side, I don't ever have to shave, I perpetually look like a teenager, and I'll probably get carded even when I'm 60. However, there's always drawbacks to looking like Pee Wee Herman at every stage of your life. For example, Novembeard (not shaving the whole month of November) is a joke to me. I'd need a Septembeard head-start to even have a shot at it. Also, as Das Auto reminded us on yesterday's post, hockey playoffs are a great time to support your team and grow out a beard like the team does... unless you look like this. This avid Colorado Avalanche fan (even if we suck now) is just plain out of his league on that one.
           See, I tried to grow out my 'beard' once I got laid off, aka the unemployment beard, and got this far after a month.

Disappointing, right? A whole month, and all I got was an awful Spaniard mustache, aka the reverse Hitler (only grows on the outside, not the inside) and the pencil-thin douchebag beard. I'm a step away from achieving this. So... off it came, and back I went to looking like a baby face. At least I don't look like a girl, though.

On a brighter note, I got a new pair of shoes. As a writer, and maybe even as a human being, I'm not very superstitious. However, sometimes I need a little jump start to get my writing going. A new pen, a new desk, maybe just a new environment to write in. I decided I wanted a new pair of shoes, some fun writer kicks.

I got them, for relatively cheap, brought them home, and deemed them my good writing omen. Now, imagine my surprise when I go to peel a sticker off the bottom and see the soles.


Is it a sign? An omen? Nerdy as fuck? Probably. Who the hell knows. All I know is that I've been writing like crazy, and the words that are coming out are good. Much better than my unemployment beard turned out, anyway.

Oh, and if you're wondering, since he didn't post a picture yet, here's what Brandon looks like sporting his custom-tailored beard. You're welcome.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Sorely disappointed in my genetics
Beer: Fat Tire
Shower: Just washed away what little stubble I had, down into the drain. :-(

Rub it in, middle eastern baby, but in 20 years you're going to have a unibrow that needs a weedwacker to trim

32 comments:

  1. best shoes ever! Definately a positive sign for you and your writing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like those shoes! Nice shave!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hooray on the kicks.. I would be lost without mt Brown, low cut Converse. Oh and I have a red & purple pair. Those babies make me groove..
    You do have a baby face...Trust me when you are 50 and look 30, it will be all worth it ..
    so sit back, stroke that babee-beard and say, "I'm a lucky chap"

    ReplyDelete
  4. as someone with a thicker beard, there are times when i am very envious of your beard abilities, because shaving can be a pain in the asss

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. great post! with or without the shoes.

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

    ReplyDelete
  6. Think of the money you save on razors and shaving cream. Don't complain. Men complain all the time about what a pain it is. All that saved $$ can buy you new sneakers, new toys, etc. That baby picture is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen (with or without LSD, hehe).

    ReplyDelete
  7. i feel ur pain i cant grow facial hair either. on a positive note, getting new shoes is awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hope your old pair fell apart: two pairs of shoes is decadence.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Stubble is over-rated dude. BTW...if you're interested I'd love for you to join my blog community at bloggerdise.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. that justin beiber picture made my smaller dogs back manically, and my big dog whimper and hide under the bed.

    come back, billy! mummy will protect you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Billy Mays could give you a few pointers. HE'D YELL THEM AT YOU WITH SUCH ENTHUSIASM TOO.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Screw facial hair! With shoes like that the ladies be all up ons.

    Seriously though, fucking awesome shoes!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Pirate my arse, you look like the cabin boy....nice soles on those shoes.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well, when you have beard you can choose to shave it or not, but it's a little bit painful and not as easy as not having facial hair. Everything has pros and cons.
    on the other hand... nice shoes!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Could be worse. You could be on the other side of the hair spectrum, closer to yetis.
    Also in Aus we do Movember rather than Novembeard. It's the small differences that make us unique.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You should carve out a few keys on your shoe keyboard and leave messages when you walk!

    The no beard thing is a blessing, Bryan... shaving sucks!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Those shoes are pretty nerdy! I like them. Following.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I don't wanna totally sound like the creepy guy from prison, but ...THAT IS ONE PRETTY MOUTH! Like no lie! I stared at the pic for like a whole three minutes!

    ReplyDelete
  19. HEY...EMAIL ME (JULUCA27@GMAIL.COM) I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU..SOMEONE WANTS YOU GUYS TO DO SOME WRITING(A COLOUMN)..FOR REAL!!

    Sorry for the caps, I get excited..lol

    ReplyDelete
  20. @ THUNDERCAT832 - do you play the banjo?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Those shoes have the best treads - very cool

    ReplyDelete
  22. Don't get discouraged; just get on a strict regimen of scotch, cohiba cigars, red meat, sky-diving, fast driving, yodeling, and anonymous sex. If that doesn't put a full goddamn beard on your face, then nothing will.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Very nice shoes. As a collector of odd things, I find those shoes to be really cool. Nice blog.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Well I seriously like those shoes, I'm a bit jealous

    ReplyDelete
  25. Damn, I want those fucking shoes. My writing mojo is in need of a serious kick-start.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ha! Definitely a sign. Follow it with those shoes on. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Glad I'm not the only one that struggles to grow any facial hair. If you get desperate you can cover your chin with glue and rub your face in a pillow that some sort of domesticated animal has slept on.

    ReplyDelete
  28. THOSE SHOES ARE AMAZING! Yeah my ex was like that and he tried growing some after we broke up but before we stopped speaking he looked ridiculous.

    However from that close up, I think you look better without facial hair. Baby face is nice if you can pull it off.

    My dad can't pull it off. The few times he shaved his mustache before the Santa beard came, I was freaked out, Baby Huey was my daddy!

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

    ReplyDelete