When it was just past noon today I glanced at the porch thermometer, its needle pointing to the zero degree (F) mark like an indignant middle finger (I’d be indignant if I had to work outdoors in this shit too). And it got me to thinking…blankets are awesome. Yep, that’s it. Welcome to the cotton poly-blended platitudes of my existence. Actually, it made me stop and realize why my damned heating bill is so expensive.
My apartment building was erected somewhere toward the early end of the last century, and stays about as warm inside as an Eskimo whorehouse. Which I guess isn’t a problem if you’re used to shagging in a parka and can make your own polar-bear-skin Trojans. This guy, however, needs to find a way to make his apartment feel a little less like an igloo. And yes, I know igloos are actually warm inside, but just roll with it eh? Maybe I just don’t like the whole ice-block motif. Bad feng shui or something.
So, in that spirit, what other techniques do folks use to regularly battle the elements? Here are a couple others that came to mind:
1. Trash can fire – This method is tried and true for the boxcar crowd. It does the double duty of taking out the garbage and providing a nice open flame for heating up a can of pork ’n beans. Its genius is in its simplicity. Trash goes in, fire comes out. Sadly, if I tried to use this in my apartment, I’d be dead in five minutes from smoke inhalation.
2. Animal skins – Since the hockey team here in Chicago has the flattering head of the Redman for a mascot, I assume that Native Americans formerly resided in this lakeside icebox (before all that silly genocide business). And if there’s anything I learned from Dances With Wolves, it’s that bear pelt never goes out of style, and that you can never trust a guy with a mohawk and an axe, especially if he says he’s a barber. Sure, there’s not much wildlife in the city these days, but I suppose I could skin a few gorillas in the Lincoln Park Zoo. Or maybe a few dozen of the ten thousand Pit Bulls in my neighborhood. Furry wallpaper would be fun, and functionally insulating.
Since my fingers are going numb punching keys, those are the only ones I could come up with offhand. Does anybody else have any good ideas?
Beer: Green Line (Goose Island)
Music: Manchester Orchestra
Shower: Like getting a golden shower from Frosty the Snowman