Friday, January 21, 2011

Who Dropped The Ice-9?

When it was just past noon today I glanced at the porch thermometer, its needle pointing to the zero degree (F) mark like an indignant middle finger (I’d be indignant if I had to work outdoors in this shit too). And it got me to thinking…blankets are awesome. Yep, that’s it. Welcome to the cotton poly-blended platitudes of my existence. Actually, it made me stop and realize why my damned heating bill is so expensive.

            My apartment building was erected somewhere toward the early end of the last century, and stays about as warm inside as an Eskimo whorehouse. Which I guess isn’t a problem if you’re used to shagging in a parka and can make your own polar-bear-skin Trojans. This guy, however, needs to find a way to make his apartment feel a little less like an igloo. And yes, I know igloos are actually warm inside, but just roll with it eh? Maybe I just don’t like the whole ice-block motif. Bad feng shui or something.

So, in that spirit, what other techniques do folks use to regularly battle the elements? Here are a couple others that came to mind:
1.  Trash can fire – This method is tried and true for the boxcar crowd. It does the double duty of taking out the garbage and providing a nice open flame for heating up a can of pork ’n beans. Its genius is in its simplicity. Trash goes in, fire comes out. Sadly, if I tried to use this in my apartment, I’d be dead in five minutes from smoke inhalation.

2. Animal skins – Since the hockey team here in Chicago has the flattering head of the Redman for a mascot, I assume that Native Americans formerly resided in this lakeside icebox (before all that silly genocide business). And if there’s anything I learned from Dances With Wolves, it’s that bear pelt never goes out of style, and that you can never trust a guy with a mohawk and an axe, especially if he says he’s a barber. Sure, there’s not much wildlife in the city these days, but I suppose I could skin a few gorillas in the Lincoln Park Zoo. Or maybe a few dozen of the ten thousand Pit Bulls in my neighborhood. Furry wallpaper would be fun, and functionally insulating.
            Since my fingers are going numb punching keys, those are the only ones I could come up with offhand. Does anybody else have any good ideas?


Beer: Green Line (Goose Island)
Music: Manchester Orchestra
Shower: Like getting a golden shower from Frosty the Snowman


  1. I have my indoor cold day attire always ready.

    I have a fur bomber hat which keeps my ears and heat nice and toasty, my favorite pair of sweatpants, and comfy sweatshirt, and a pair of socks fresh out of the dryer.

  2. here's a wacky one that i've found. fill a large sock with dry popcorn kernels. tie the end tightly. heat the sock in your microwave for 1 minute. you will then have the most fabulous, reusable bean sock, perfect for warming cold toes in bed, pampering an achey back, keeping your ears warm if you drape it over your head. the possibilities are endless, but delightful.
    p.s. i find it amusing that you have a label for erections.

  3. Umm grow a pair... I can say that I'm canadian. It is far fucking colder up here then down there. Umm as for staying warm, grow a beard. Wear a sweater, or hoodie. long underwear. When it comes to heating your apartment, space heaters. Or... you could do like the eskimos do and use snow as insulation. Igloos can get to a warm 20 degrees C. I have no idea what that is in f. 75ish would be my guess.

  4. Hard alcohol! I keep my place cool just for an excuse.

  5. Where I live it isn't usually cold but I use a layer of sweaters and a pea coat!

  6. Well Guys, I live in Little Bombay so I'm trying to always cool off. Do recall a co-worker who had his power cut off, was hungry, so the dumb fool fired up his BBQ grill in the living room.. Yup.. He got warm, burned his apt up.. So you could try that just keep a low flame..LOL

  7. Depending on your movement concerns, there are various types of heating pads (both electric and microwavable) that could be handy.

  8. My house is around 40 years old. It was so drafty when we moved in that we thought there was an open window for two weeks before we realized we just had an inefficient home. I bought (I swear this is true) seven space heaters to help keep out the cold.

    I found that they suck enough juice to blow every breaker in the house AND not do a damn thing to make it warmer.

    I sucked it up and paid $6k to get 11 new windows put in. It didn't fix everything, but January temps hover in the mid-sixties at night instead of the lower fifties like it did before the new windows.

  9. Isn't there a toasty bar on every corner in that town?

  10. I masturbate then curl up around my swollen member, made nice and toasty due to the friction. It gets me through the cold nights.

  11. Invest in some snuggies. They are all the rage at the old folks home.

  12. Lots of sex under down comforters is a personal favorite of mine. haha. Good post.

  13. Zoe: I might just climb into the dryer and call it a day.

    Sherilin: Sounds fun, but I'd be too tempted to squeeze butter into my undergarments.

    NTR, thanks, I appreciate functional simplicity. I'm sure you know what you're talking aboot.

    Chris: You know where I live. Bring booze. Stat.

    Vapor: Thanks dude.

    tnf and Lynne: I'd be more jealous if the hypothermia hadn't already taken hold.

    Jayne: You're a genius...and a psychic!

    Punk: I worry about waking up to the tongue-in-the-icebox effect.

    PTM: Body smocks bring back bad memories. So glad I didn't drink the Kool-Aid...

    Barb: High five! Winner!

  14. How about covering yourself with hot chilli sauce? There are parts about this that will make you forget all else.

  15. I have no idea :) it's never too cold here!

  16. Man I love California, sucks for people in cold places I'm enjoying my 65 degree weather in January lol, also nice Vonnegut reference

  17. I don't really have any advice, but I;m liking the blog. Followed.

  18. Your post, although delightful, made me even colder than i already am. Blankets are awesome, yes, but electric blankets are even long as you don't spill you drink on it...

  19. i thought i left a comment last night, but i guess i was a bit tipsy...first night back on the sauce..$1.00 beers and hockey....

    awesome post as usual...hate the butthawks being hta ti love the WINGS!!!

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  20. Ah yes, blankets are my best friend <3 [next to hoodies of course :3]

  21. Sorry never been in that cold of a climate so I don't have anything. Maybe boil some water to humidify the air in the apartment making it feel warmer.

  22. that guys in the piccy looks like a cross between a skinned gorilla and a ballerina