Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Sound of Silence

It’s one of those mornings. You know, the gin-and-beer fallout kind, where you wake up with a tuning fork inside your skull and your mouth tastes like the tooth fairy took a shit in it during the night. Yeah, one of those. Not to bitch, though. It was a fair trade. A morning of pain for a night of pleasure kind of thing. Like herpes. But last week was a hell of a week, and despite the headache, I’d do it all over again in a second.

So, instead of spending the rest of my Saturday in a coma, I crawled out of bed and headed to a café. It’s the perfect place to nurse a hangover. Not only because I can drown the beer beast in caffeine, but because I can do so in silence. Even in a room occupied by over a dozen people at any given time, this place is more blissfully silent than a mime orgy. Every face is currently jacked into a laptop or iPhone screen, with its owner impervious to the nuisance of actual human interaction. And today I’m thankful for it.

Let’s be honest. Why would I go to all the trouble of making physical contact with people who are five feet away from me when I can talk to you fine folks all around the world without even straining my tongue muscles? It hurts my head less. Score one for technology? Right? With that, I bid you all a groovy weekend. Funnier words coming from me on Monday, when I explain the importance of Second Grade, and the likelihood that your first crush wound up becoming a prostitute. 

-Brandon

Music: Stone Temple Pilots

20 comments:

  1. i did NOT become a prostitute!!!

    i became a stripper. there's a difference.

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  2. Sounds like you had a hell of a night before.

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  3. Detatched but connected. Chalk one up for technology.

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  4. Wait, Brandon, you became a prostitute?

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  5. Hope the rest of your weekend is great. Thanks.

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  6. I had a crush on the hot lady whose yard I mowed when I was twelve... you're telling me she was a hooker?
    Damn!
    I could have worked out a payment plan.

    Your post mentioned herpes, and just below this comment box is an ad (WTF?) for MedaVir "Every Proven Herpes Treatment in 1 Kit!"

    Surprised there's not a CAPCHA code reading
    "postule outbreak" for me to type in...

    I'm still upset about that woman being a prostitute. I found a hand grenade in her backyard a couple of years later when I clipped it with my mower. Wrote a blog post about it...

    http://squatlo-rant.blogspot.com/2010/12/squatlo-story-number-twenty-one-grenade.html

    Not spamming you guys, just thought you might want to know what happens when you try to dig up fragmentation grenades with a tent stake...

    I'll be back Monday when you've recovered. And stop talking about my girlfriend...

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  7. I'd agree with you if it weren't for the fact that when nursing a hangover, I eventually come across the inevitable need to have a good sit and let out either

    a) A serious beer shit
    b) An intense hard liquor induced round of diarrhea
    c) A deranged series of farts that smell like old milk and garbage bags

    Sadly, for me, these all require home field advantage. Also, won't coffee just make the tooth fairy's shit grow into some kind of shit monster?

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  8. haha @kev, i also experience mad rushes of fecal urgency the mornings after heavy drinking. after those are over i usually smoke a bowl and head to cup o joe in the biggest sunglasses i could find for men. get something large, sit outside and just coast. maybe bring a journal.

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  9. Tooth fairy shit is really one of the more disgusting magical being shits second only to dragon shit.

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  10. "like herpes" lol

    http://ectomorphmuscle.blogspot.com/

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  11. All shit is magical. Its really a scale.

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  12. Several years ago, when I was single and could afford to spend days in hangover recovery, I helped a friend get rid of a gallon of his homemade wine.
    That night nature took its course, and I started to shit and hurl like a human fountain statue. In an effort to stop the fluid loss (and because I was too drunk to know better) I took a prescription plugger-upper called limodal, or something like that. A pill the size of a deer tick that could stop the Nile if someone tossed one into the current.
    Two days later I was still plugged with all of the poisons my body had been successfully voiding.
    Live and learn...

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  13. @ The Champ - I'm glad I never attended any of your birthday parties.

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  14. Same shit happened to me this morning. I woke up feeling like death.

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  15. I have university computers instead, same sort of thing. Hangovers just temporarily turn me into a strange being incapable of feeling emotion. Also, good music choice.

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  16. Just stumbled upon your blog and I really dig it.

    Following and supporting.

    Sincerely,
    bulkingjobra.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. Your post is such a metaphor for modern life...so connected to the rest of the world that you don't have to connect to the people around you lol brilliant

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  18. ive never chilled at a cafe with a hangover
    maybe i should try it and see how it is

    ballandkicks.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. I can't be in a cafe while nursing a hangover...too many people would hear me holding back vomit and gagging for my life!

    ReplyDelete

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