Friday, January 7, 2011

Of Douche Canoes and Geriatric Gondolas

For me, it's usually been a good day when most of the following things happen:

1. I don't run out of coffee,
2. My writing skills exceed the third-grade level,
3. My stabbing quotient remains below the legal limit,
4. The little old lady from Pasadena doesn't try to pancake me with her Chrysler Sebring.

If I were any simpler, my name would be Forrest, or maybe even George Jr., and I'd have to wear a permanent nametag just to remember it. Unfortunately, even for as minimal as my requirements are, some days, the Fates seem determined to use them to clean the toilet with.

Going up the list backwards, I'm happy to report that I am not currently roadkill. Just an hour ago, after I'd parked my car and was crossing the street toward this very cafe, I nearly became the world's youngest victim to be claimed by old-age. Not because I'm a fatally prodigious twenty-something, but because Mr. Magoo's mistress blew a stop sign and nearly buried me beneath the 1,500 pounds of rolling Detroit plastic that is the Chrysler Sebring. It was a close call, but fortunately, what my octogenarian would-be killer lacked in motor skills, Doc Marten miraculously made up for in traction. I was able to execute a halfway sissy-looking pirouette which probably saved me a fortune in hospital bills, as the oblivious old lady continued on her way to the Early Bird Special at the nearest IHOP.

Luckily for me, an Escalade full of Dude-Bros passing in the opposite direction were kind enough to serve as a Judges panel, and muster the brain-power to relay my scores in a few monosyllabic hoots. Apparently, I wasn't destined for the Gold, but at least I hadn't been Chryslered into a lifetime of grunting, drooling, and wearing ill-fitted Polo shirts too. They and their douche canoe were a chilling look into what may-have-been, and for that, the urge to kill was fleeting.

As for number two on the list, well, you've read this far. But, my legitimate fiction word count for the day is still zero. And the fact that that puts me on par with Stephenie Meyer on her best day is even more depressing.

Sorry to whine. Normally, I'm a pint-half-full kind of guy. But, every once in a while, even the freshest Guinness has too much foam, right? Actually, that's probably a sign that your bartender shouldn't be allowed near a tap, but nonetheless, some days it's just not possible to shit sunshine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to address issue number one. My coffee cup is long since drained, and the hipster barista (wearing enough flannel to make the Brawny man blush) is giving me the hairy eyeball. Somewhere out there, a beer is calling my name. Looks like I'll have to forego the shower tonight. But, at least I'm not roadkill.

Cheers!

-brandon

Beer: Annapurna Amber (Mountain Sun - Boulder)
Music: Tokio Hotel

23 comments:

  1. Well, we all have bad days. I find that spending most of my time staring at a computer monitor during my workday makes me cranky - but venting about it makes for boring reading. Others can at least enjoy your rants.

    So relish your angst. Dodging traffic makes for a much better story than me complaining about an open window at the gym. Which is all I've got to really complain about today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You don't write that bad! Stephenie Meyer is garbage XD

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sigh, just try telling your mum she's a danger on the roads and shouldn't drive!

    Tried a beer in the shower yesterday, and it was GREAT!

    ReplyDelete
  4. did you mean your writting skills or your handwritting? you writing skills are great

    ReplyDelete
  5. I had a roommate in college that came in looking completely freaked out one night, when I asked him what was wrong he said "I almost died to a giant Cadillac driven by some blue hair and a set of knuckles."

    ReplyDelete
  6. The Chrysler "Serenissima" has a nice ring to it. Too bad the target market's denture's can't handle the sibilance.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I personally think that once you reach a certain age, you should have to be re-tested to see if you are still capable of driving. It's a sad fact that the senses really deteriorate in those later years. But I wouldn't be self-critical, I find your writing style very engaging and entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  8. man im happy you are not a roadkill, too. keep the good writing coming.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yeah I think this was a good read; dont be so hard on yourself....today was a good day you've exceed your expectations no?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yup some old people need their license revoked. But good choice in music, I wouldn't know about the beer though. haha.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. haha nice post..

    and 4 reason for god day is hilarious

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nice post. I like the picture at the end too. Summerizes my thoughts on elderly drivers

    ReplyDelete
  13. You can't been in a good mode every day man! Chill! Nice post :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hope you got a good description of the knuckles over the dashboard!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Your writing is hilarious, I lol'd quite a few times followed you

    wanna check my blog out?

    http://16bitisnotcool.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love your posts, they are always interesting and well written :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. hahaha yep...i hear ya on the coffee/writing skills. lol

    ReplyDelete
  18. what a mean ol' lady. well, she's either mean or needs a new pair of reading glasses! :P

    ReplyDelete