I believe it was the Dalai Lama that said: "We should not seek revenge on those who have committed crimes against us, or reply to their crimes with other crimes. We should reflect that by the law of karma, they are in danger of lowly and miserable lives to come, and that our duty to them, as to every being, is to help them to rise towards Nirvana, rather than let them sink to lower levels of rebirth."
To which I say... fuck that.
The family next door has always hated us, and a few days ago, we found out why. They want to buy our townhouse. No, our townhouse is not and has never been for sale, and no, this fact does not seem important to our dear neighbors.
See, this family, who likes to play the ever popular suburbian game of oneupsmanship, has saved a small fortune to invest in OUR townhouse when they presumably evict us, by yelling at us, belittling us, calling the police on us, and by waking up at 6 in the morning and revving the engine on their crappy little wannabe kit car with no mufflers to wake us up. Their ultimate plan, once we're gone, is to knock down the walls in between, form some sort of retarded townhouse castle, and be the kings of suburbia.
I wish I was joking.
So this weekend I'm spending some time plotting my neighborly revenge. Any and all suggestions are welcome, preferably the legal kind, to help me exact this revenge... because I am not selling my house, I'm not going to be fucked with, and there's only room for 1 king in this goddamn castle.
Oh, and if you want to read more about my asshole neighbors/crappy neighborhood, read my first ever blog post, which gives you a good idea of the dumbfuckery we deal with on a daily basis.
-Bryan
Mood: Irritated
Beer: Sam Adams
Shower: Not quite as hot as my boiling blood
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| "La la la I can't hear common sense from up here" - the neighbor |
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ReplyDeleteThey sound like huge a@$holes just order them a bunch of pizzas to their house!
ReplyDeleteWow what horrible neighbors! I can't think of anything legal to get at them except get the law involved. If they are purposly trying to get you to leave then I am sure that there is something in the law that keeps you protected as a homeowner. What douchebags.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
bulkingjobra.blogspot.com
Those are horrible neighbors. I unfortunately do not have any legal suggestions for you. Hopefully you will figure something out :)
ReplyDeletehttp://jax926.blogspot.com
brah, just sell us the townhouse and we'll be happy, ok?
ReplyDeleteyour friend,
ectomorphmuscle.blogspot.com
You can always adorn your house in Halloween decorations. Year round. Or put a bunch of fake deer in your yard. you know, just some easy passive-aggressive shit that'll piss them off if they're thw kind of uptight jackwagons you're describing.
ReplyDeleteTake a shit in their mailbox, every day. They'll fuck off.
ReplyDeleteSlowly dig a tunnel under your house into theirs, and release bats in their basement.
ReplyDeleteWhen they run outside scared, you'll be waiting. With a big piece of shit in their mailbox.
Sorry, Christian's idea was just so good I had to find a way to incorporate it into mine too.
I lol'd so hard at "To which I say... fuck that." I can't wait to hear how you exact your revenge :)
ReplyDeleteoh man i wish you guys good luck
ReplyDeleteDamn. That's pretty ridiculous. Best of luck with the neighbors. Just remember, if peace through diplomacy is impossible, peace through superior strength is a fine substitute.
ReplyDeleteAnd by strength I mean a thirty inch sub woofer and some glorious death metal at 3 am.
Why can't people just get along? It's like this everywhere.
ReplyDeleteGet good revenge on them! I like you first post too btw!
ReplyDeleteRoll them up in a carpet and throw them off a bridge.
ReplyDeleteWhat assholes. You should face all the speakers in your house towards their house, and blast Norwegian death metal until 10:00PM (or whatever time you're allowed to).
ReplyDeleteUnless they're Mormons I'm sh1t out of ideas.
ReplyDeleteI hate neighbors I'm moving to the woods.
ReplyDeleteIn the dead of night, put your trash in their trash bin and complain to the HOA that their trash is out past hours. Sweep your porch/front walk into theirs.
ReplyDeleteHOAs suck. We just got a fine for the cigarette butts that our neighbor throws out her front door. They're clearly -to us- not ours as they are a different brand. We're in townhouses too, so our front doors are around ten feet apart. Boo.
That first post was extremely fantastic. I love you guys. =)
Karma is only justice without the satisfaction. Inserting a few eggs up their dryer exhaust will do wonders.
ReplyDeleteSome people are just dicks.
ReplyDeletewhy not just let it go. Try not to let it get to you, which will definitely make them the most upset...why would you want to live next to them if they do all these things anyways?
ReplyDeleteokay, usually every time i say these words, somebody goes to jail, but this time i'm SURE it'll be alright.
ReplyDeletei know this biker from the strip club that can TOTALLY help you out, no questions asked.
let me know...
Order the pizza for them, and then shit under the hood of their car, on or near the block. Shit'll get baked.
ReplyDeleteOr what Vapor said with the eggs haha.
Sit in the front yard every evening and welcome them home from work..Like a good neighbor (or not)
ReplyDeleteHmm, let me think of this I'm fairly certain I can come up with some witty, get on their nerves solutions..
Stand outside their house with a gas can and in your shorts saying can you smell fire....smells like victory.
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Sigh. Let me know if it'll work on my brother. I'd like to spotaneously COMBUST him SLOWLY at the moment. Is that possible? Maybe the church were right in kicking me out as a witch all those years back. I'll know if he isn't slow-roasted by tonight.
ReplyDeleteFuck I hate my neighbors too I want to live in a house somewhere in the damn nowhere
ReplyDeleteAccording to the book "Spite, Malice, and Revenge" which I SOOOOO could have authored myself, being a master of all three, one of the best "go fuck thyself" methods is to acquire some LSD, preferably the liquified version, and mix it with an organic solvent. Paint mixture onto the door knobs of their house, driver's side door handles, and any other surface you're relatively certain will be touched by your targets within the ten to twelve hour evaporation limits of the solvent used.
ReplyDeleteSimply use rubber gloves to avoid tripping yourself up (pardon the expression) and paint it on nice and thick, then sit back for the show.
They might not know why they're laughing their asses off at the nightly news, but you will. A week or two of this will ensure that they've lost sleep, probably their jobs, and in all likelihood most of their mental capacity.
You can then have them declared a neighborhood nuisance because only demented individuals would be out playing naked in the snow...
Let me know if you need any more helpful hints. It's a large book.
Wow, what a bunch of assholes. I'm sorry, but I have no suggestions that are legal. I literally only have ones that will land you in prison.
ReplyDeleteinteresting post
ReplyDeleteBurn their house down, that will solve the problem, haha.
ReplyDeleteOh, man. I went and read your old post about them and I'm sorry to hear that. Fucking bullshit! I'll ask around for some good ideas to resolve your issue.
ReplyDeletetry and get the stuff on tape to prove harassment to the police, or you could bring them to court. Followed
ReplyDeletehttp://lifethroughironsigths.blogspot.com/
Expanding Foam! Windows, doors, vehicles, bathroom vents on their roof, key holes, gates...just don't let anyone see you.
ReplyDeleteDo they have pets...My dog loves to roll in dead smelly stuff and track it in the house...
Mail them stuff...lots of free samples, catalogs, Victoria’s secret...porn...with his name on it.
Put an ad in the paper or on Craigslist advertising their house for sale and use their cell numbers...or advertise their car for free on the east/west coast and have folks call early AM or late PM...
Have their mail held at the post office...
Have 1 yard of manure delivered and dumped in their front yard...
Have their services (cable, gas, water, electricity, garbage) cancelled...
Strive to find someone on a most wanted list they look like and turn them in (you never know).
If they spank their kids, report them to CPS.
Go online and ask some local "missionaries" to visit them.
Put a "personals" ad on Ashley Madison or craigslist with "her" info on it...
Spray their car down with water on a cold winter night…
Spread wild flower or clover seeds in their yard…
Remove the value from the stem of their tires (very easy).
Call a bunch of different contractors or exterminators to give them quotes on work…
Plant bamboo in their gardens or lawn…
Buy animal "parts" from the butcher and throw it in their yrad.
Roundup or Veg killer for the lawn and plants...
Used Wasp/ Bee attractant (found in bee traps) and spray on the front door.
Get a bumper sticker that says" I love cock" and put it on his car. I have a jerk neighbor too ;)
ReplyDeleteI feel for you...I have some dandy's that live next to me too. They copy EVERYTHING they do, they pound on the walls when I vacuum (because they haven't cleaned but twice in the two years they lived in their house) Landlord won't do anything, cops are tired of them and won't deal with them. I don't know what to do. I have lived here 8 years, them..two years. They are SCUM! I love the bumper sticker of "i love cock" LMAO Suits these two dinks!
ReplyDeletebuy security cameras and point them all over front and back at their property. Nothings pisses people off more then feeling like their privacy is being invaded
ReplyDelete