Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Blame the Internet

            So now that my credit card fraud's been officially taken care of, life is back to normal.
            And by normal I mean I just drove back from Vegas with 4 dogs and a woman in a blizzard, I’m still unemployed, and Brandon’s post about Mary Jane has me seriously considering life as a drug lord.
            Wouldn't have it any other way.        
             But it’s funny, because I’m here with literally nothing to do but write, and yet I’ve written so little. Why, you ask? Well, I could be responsible and blame myself, pinpoint some kind of tendencies toward procrastination…or a difficulty with concentration, dating back to ADHD tendencies I've displayed since childhood… but this is America, goddammit.
            I blame the Internet.
            What is it about the Internet that sucks us in? What is it about the great digital beyond that starts as a ‘warm up’ to loosen up my mind before my main task, and then ends up being the appetizer, main course, and dessert, so that when I’m done I feel like I’ve OD’d on useless information, and no longer have a brain at all?
            In the past 4 days, I can’t tell you how many words I’ve written, but I can tell you about this great video on Youtube where a guy gets hit in the nuts with (insert any object here). I can’t tell you what I outlined for my next story, but I can tell you about some rapping black guys on rollerskates. And I can’t tell you how many e-mails I sent my parents to say hello, but I can tell you about some stupid picture of a cat fighting another cat that looks like he’s healing him in the name of Jeeeesus.
            Let's face it, the best writing I’ve ever gotten done is at a coffee shop. This sounds clichéd and stereotypical, I know, and let me assure you I'm not in the corner of the local Starbucks with oversized (and scotch taped) Buddy Holly glasses and skinny jeans, typing up the next modern literary masterpiece on the newest MacBook while I sip on my $8 espresso. A hipster I am not. Rather, the simple fact is that if I'm at a place with no Internet (or with Internet that costs $19.99, and I’m a cheap ass) I have to focus on writing and only on writing. I produce words like no one would believe.
            The only exception to this was last November, when I kicked NaNoWriMo square in its overrated nutsack because a high end agent was interested in my novel… which was only 25% done. And I had told him it was 100% done, and he gave me 2 weeks to get it to him (oops). So I shut myself off from the rest of the world and wrote over 300 pages in 1 week and 4 days, and even more miraculously it wasn't crap (because anyone can write 300 pages in a week, or even a month, but how many of those thousands of entries even stand a chance at publication? – chew on that a little, NaNoWriMo). My now-agent ended up loving it, and though he fell off the face of the earth for almost a year because of medical emergencies, he says he's going to sell it now. We'll see how that goes.
            And now, a year later, with no real deadline for anything and without any form of structure, I’m back to farting around on the Internet to do some research for my next novel, or the collaborative novel Brandon and I are working on, invariably leading to me getting sucked into a vortex of funny videos, stupid pictures, and new music.
            Have I lost all hope to get ANY novel done in the near future? No, I don’t think so. I think I just need to buck up and spend a little less time on the Internet. I’ve even been researching how to get yourself to stay away from the Internet, and I found a great website outlining a battle plan for secluding yourself and structuring your time better…

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Overwhelmed
Beer: Home brewed
Shower: Not today, I’ve got important things to do!

My message to the Internet:




"Yeah, I just wrote a 1,000 page novel about neoclassical existentialism aimed at taking down the man. I'd tell you about it, but you probably aren't smart enough to understand it... or me, you Microsoft conformist. Sigh."



29 comments:

  1. I love the picture of the stupid hipster guy. Welcome to my life.

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  2. First I love the labels this post has...LOL

    High-Five on the Nano write thing.. If I wrote that much in that span I'm fairly certain a stroke would be looming on the horizon..

    whatever you guys post here, I love it.. so damn funny and smart. Yeah, smart..

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  3. I find I work better when change location or computer. It help seperate work/play in your head, which is the main hurdle.

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  4. Wow. My first visit here and I get to see a video of a dog wanking it. You have a new follower.

    And since I don't want to be one of those people who only comments on one thing, that usually proves they didn't do anything but look at or watch one thing, I have to say my best writing is done when I'm outside and it's cold. Actually my best work on anything is done when I'm outside and it's cold. I wrote quite a nice letter to Charles Bronson last year when I was on the back patio when it was snowing. I also designed a house and wrote more of a story I was working on at that time that same afternoon. Too bad it only snows maybe once a year where I live.

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  5. I blame the internet for being awesome.

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  6. Let me know when the book is published! I so wanna read it! And yeah the internet makes me less productive but it makes my doing papers much easier!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

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  7. I'm myself addicted to the internet. I play online poker for a living and I know what it is to check out ''one last video''. I often blame the internet for being too awesome but I should be blaming myself for my urge to procrastination! Now that I'm at it, I'm also proud of myself for not checking out these videos! Yet, the real reason is that I'm on a crappy computer since I'm not at home -_-

    Keep up the writting and once it gets published, I'd sure like to get my hand on it!

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  8. The internet is my other reality. From gaming to reading books to facebook haha

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  9. It's great you're back to normal

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  10. Lol at hipster fails.

    Would love to know what your novel's about to tell the truth.

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  11. Snerp! Microsoft conformist, indeed! I control my online time by using it as reward for getting stuff done. Good girl! You can have your blogger now...

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  12. would like to check your novel
    and damn i need to go do some homework

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  13. LOL, I get distracted while trying to write for my blog by crap on the internet too. Those damn videos are so funny!

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  14. Nice post :) and I agree with adsila :)

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  15. Maybe it's a generational thing - I can't think at the keyboard. Even when programming, the best medium for me to get started is a propelling pencil and paper. The idea comes in the shower or when lying in bed at 04:15 after sobering up in my sleep. The structure comes on paper. The implementation at the keyboard is fraught with distraction and frustration.

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  16. I had a party once where we all dressed like that last image hahah

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  17. Epic post. First time here and I'm signing up to follow. Awesome writing style!

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  18. The internet is the source of all evil!!!

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  19. I enjoy your writing style :) I believe Huxley had some of the same concerns as you do when it comes to being blasted by useless information.

    We live in an age where communication has become so simple and far reaching that we can't help but be drowned in the noise caused by all of it. We live in exciting times, and sometimes we fail to appreciate that. :) I'll be following this blog for sure.

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  20. Haha i love your outlook on things ;D

    Keep the posts coming man, ill be reading

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  21. I agree...coffee shop writing rocks. Glad your credit card fraud got handled. BTW...made you new blog of the day.

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  22. I'm sure you will manage to write something cool, I guess you could ban yourself from the computer for a few days if that would help.

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  23. brilliant!
    i get caught up by the internet too. that's kinda the reason i found your blog. but still...better than completing work that's the size of a mountain!
    Congrats on the NaNoWriMo publication thing. i wanted to enter but i ended up procrastinating and shizzle

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  24. Okay, that video was a little disturbing and makes me think that canine porn should be illegal. That said, awesome post and soooo relatable.

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