Tuesday, January 18, 2011

How Brandon Got Food Poisoning

So, there I was, mostly inebriated and walking home with a box of Chicago’s best pizza. I’d almost made it to my building when a scabby green arm reached out of a storm drain, jerked me into a snowy face-plant, and heinously snatched my sausage and spinach pie.
Armed only with my hip flask and my grumbling stomach, I dove into the gutter drain to rescue my dinner from certain subterranean doom. I chased the thief down narrowing sewer tunnels, oblivious to the many rats and Cleveland Steamers mashed underfoot. Finally, I caught up to him and tackled the mutant bastard. It took a minute to register that his extra appendages weren’t just a figment of my Jack Daniels-soaked brain. Four arms, six eyes, one pizza: nope, definitely a mutant. He may have had two more fists to swing, but even that wasn’t enough to match the strength of a drunk with the munchies. I whooped his ass and reclaimed my heavenly dinner, only to be subsequently trapped by his friends.
From what I could understand of their jibber jabber, the pizza thief was King of the mutant people. And apparently His Highness took particular offense to having each of his thieving hands stuffed into one of his own bodily orifices. I know, he deserved it, right? Touchy folks, those mutant bastards. My choices were slim; I wasn’t sure I could fight my way out. There were a lot of them. At least, there appeared to be a lot of them, what with all the excess arms and legs. Radiation is a bitch. So, I was made to do underground battle with their fiercest warrior, Testocles, the man with twenty-one balls. Unfortunately for him, it’s not easy to hide such a large sack of nuts, and I dropped that mo-fo with a swift Judo chop. Hai-ya, bee-yotch!
After the mutant smackdown, I came home, kicked back, and chomped on some pizza. As a result of eating sewer food, I’m pretty sure I got food poisoning. And that’s why I’ve been gone from the blog for three days.
It may have all been a hallucination, but, there you have it. Thanks to Bryan for keeping the blog updated, and for all of his sympathies. Fucker.
Also, in regards to Bryan’s last post, for those of you wondering exactly who the hell MLK is, and why he has his own holiday…good question. I looked it up. According to Wikipedia, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was some kind of rabble rouser here in the States, who is now annually famous for giving Americans a day off of work. Woo hoo! Kidding. He was a civil rights leader who did a lot for social equality. And who knows, if the world doesn’t nuke the shit out of itself within the next few decades, his Dream may actually gain some real traction.

Cheers!

-brandon

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Honker’s Ale (Goose Island)

40 comments:

  1. never has the epic battle for pizza been more entertaining...and a tag of "dumbfuckery" -simply AWESOME!

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  2. lol wtf? were you drunk when you wrote this?

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  3. I'm not sure I could live in a place in which I had to walk over cleveland steamers to get to my room. That sounds awful.

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  4. LOL this story was a trip! I loved it hahaha

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  5. Damn I'm happy that I wasn't stoned off my ass when I read this...I would have been paranoid up the ass! Great post!

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  6. Spinach? Ugh. You really need to work on your pizza toppings. They must have been desperate. The pizza mutants I've encountered usually only go for anchovies. :P

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  7. hahaha i love your elaborate stories, they're always a great read :D

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  8. i did a lap dance once for a guy called testocles.

    it was exhausting.

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  9. The pizza with punch. UGH! So sorry.

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  10. At least it was well worth it, lol.

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  11. Are you sure you didn't take a large dose of 2C-E?

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  12. nice blog! Good stuff!!!
    http://jdmallstars.blogspot.com/

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  13. Sorry about the food poisoning. However, I'm all about using the word 'fucker' in a blog, so you had me till the last word!

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  14. I loves me some Judoooo-CHOP!

    And isn't it SAD that people don't know who MLK is? I mean every major city has a street named after him!!

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  15. im happy you got well man
    that testocles is gonna be in my nightmares

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  16. Well... I hope Brandon is gonna be alright

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  17. Great story, believe I know what a cleveland steamer is now and understand now what MLK day is.Good stuff.

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  18. I had food poisoning once and wanted to die. Did you get a migraine afterwards? Hope you're feeling better and Bryan did great holding down the fort while you were ninja kicking ass.

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  19. Was LSD one of the toppings by any chance?

    :P

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  20. This:
    "Was LSD one of the toppings by any chance?"

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  21. Oooooh. I thought you'd changed from beer to MLK for a day. It might well be - there are signs of delirium.

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  22. Man you get into some serious misadventures.
    There's some funny, funny stuff here guys.
    Glad you stopped by.
    I'll be reading (when I'm not writing, or doing other exhilerating stuff that makes my hair fall out). ;)

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  23. First of all, thanks so much for making my morning. I woke up to that comment you left me and I couldn't stop chuckling!

    The pizza thief sounds like my alter ego. :)) I really like your humor! I'm glad you're feeling better now. I'm looking forward to future posts! <3

    Pizzaaa!

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  24. Thanks for clearing up the whole "who is MLK" thing for me

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  25. Sounds like a post written by Fry (from Futurama) after he eats that egg salad sandwich from the trucker stop!

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  26. interesting story
    food poisoning is crap

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