So, there I was, mostly inebriated and walking home with a box of Chicago’s best pizza. I’d almost made it to my building when a scabby green arm reached out of a storm drain, jerked me into a snowy face-plant, and heinously snatched my sausage and spinach pie.
Armed only with my hip flask and my grumbling stomach, I dove into the gutter drain to rescue my dinner from certain subterranean doom. I chased the thief down narrowing sewer tunnels, oblivious to the many rats and Cleveland Steamers mashed underfoot. Finally, I caught up to him and tackled the mutant bastard. It took a minute to register that his extra appendages weren’t just a figment of my Jack Daniels-soaked brain. Four arms, six eyes, one pizza: nope, definitely a mutant. He may have had two more fists to swing, but even that wasn’t enough to match the strength of a drunk with the munchies. I whooped his ass and reclaimed my heavenly dinner, only to be subsequently trapped by his friends.
From what I could understand of their jibber jabber, the pizza thief was King of the mutant people. And apparently His Highness took particular offense to having each of his thieving hands stuffed into one of his own bodily orifices. I know, he deserved it, right? Touchy folks, those mutant bastards. My choices were slim; I wasn’t sure I could fight my way out. There were a lot of them. At least, there appeared to be a lot of them, what with all the excess arms and legs. Radiation is a bitch. So, I was made to do underground battle with their fiercest warrior, Testocles, the man with twenty-one balls. Unfortunately for him, it’s not easy to hide such a large sack of nuts, and I dropped that mo-fo with a swift Judo chop. Hai-ya, bee-yotch!
After the mutant smackdown, I came home, kicked back, and chomped on some pizza. As a result of eating sewer food, I’m pretty sure I got food poisoning. And that’s why I’ve been gone from the blog for three days.
It may have all been a hallucination, but, there you have it. Thanks to Bryan for keeping the blog updated, and for all of his sympathies. Fucker.
Also, in regards to Bryan’s last post, for those of you wondering exactly who the hell MLK is, and why he has his own holiday…good question. I looked it up. According to Wikipedia, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was some kind of rabble rouser here in the States, who is now annually famous for giving Americans a day off of work. Woo hoo! Kidding. He was a civil rights leader who did a lot for social equality. And who knows, if the world doesn’t nuke the shit out of itself within the next few decades, his Dream may actually gain some real traction.
Music: The Kooks
Beer: Honker’s Ale (Goose Island)