Dunce-worthy (Part One)

            Every once in a while, I visit my fiancé at work, and read a book to the roomful of jabbering nostril-miners that she oversees. No, she’s not a loony chaser at the local nuthouse; she teaches Second Grade. Read a more in-depth post about me lurking around elementary school’s here. So, today’s post is inspired by that Pokemon-addled warzone known as the Second Grade. I realized that a classroom full of kids is really just a midget version of adult society, and that those adorable little stereotypes we all have at the age of eight are warning signs to the type of social derelict we will ultimately become. So, what are the stereotypes? I counted ten…

Teacher’s Pet – Whether he/she is kissing ass in a classroom or a boardroom, this person is the world’s prison bitch. He is such a suck-up that his ability to tongue siphon a turd is better than any store-bought enema. Possible futures include: Vomitous politician, lifelong office middle-management, intensive extra-credit seeker (Professors may be smart, but many need help understanding the logistics of the blumpkin).

The Class Clown - Revered for his keen implementation of the armpit fart and his exceedingly high tolerance for Ritalyn, the Class Clown is the all-around funny man. Once puberty hits, if this fellow isn’t also highly charming, his dumbfuckery will slowly slide him into the frontrunner position for loserdom. Possible futures include: late-night television host, car salesman, high-school weed peddler, that hilarious dude who jerks off the mayonnaise bottle in-between cooking orders at Applebee’s.

The Bully – Nothing highlights the concept of sharing better than the communal distribution of pain from an abused child. If this heavy-handed young scamp doesn’t expire in prison, or by cirrhosis of the liver, chances are that he will do well for himself. Possible futures include: Corporate executive, steroid-denying professional athlete, Los Angeles police officer, six-pack wife puncher, the heap of dead meat in Drivers Education Road Rage Photo#31484.

            The Geek – Glasses, halitosis, and/or a speech impediment usually demarcate this unfortunate RPG player. His future holds poor spinal posture and excessive amounts of ass time in front of a computer terminal. Possible futures include: Billionaire software designer, lifelong virgin, fervent Star Trek/Star Wars debater, writer. Or he will be bitten by a radioactive cockroach and spend his nights fighting crime in a spandex onesie.

            The Weirdo – As his status as a social oddity grows to be embraced, he will slowly trade his Twilight books and goth make-up for girl jeans and flannel, to epitomize the unsuccessful hipster stab at counter-culture. Possible futures include: intellectualizing the virtues of mocha vs. macchiato, pasty-faced and bearded vato look-alike.

           

That’s it for now. To be concluded on Wednesday…

Remedially yours,

-brandon

Music: Warren Zevon

Beer: Honker’s Ale