Monday, January 31, 2011

Dunce-worthy (Part One)

            Every once in a while, I visit my fiancĂ© at work, and read a book to the roomful of jabbering nostril-miners that she oversees. No, she’s not a loony chaser at the local nuthouse; she teaches Second Grade. Read a more in-depth post about me lurking around elementary school’s here. So, today’s post is inspired by that Pokemon-addled warzone known as the Second Grade. I realized that a classroom full of kids is really just a midget version of adult society, and that those adorable little stereotypes we all have at the age of eight are warning signs to the type of social derelict we will ultimately become. So, what are the stereotypes? I counted ten…

Teacher’s Pet – Whether he/she is kissing ass in a classroom or a boardroom, this person is the world’s prison bitch. He is such a suck-up that his ability to tongue siphon a turd is better than any store-bought enema. Possible futures include: Vomitous politician, lifelong office middle-management, intensive extra-credit seeker (Professors may be smart, but many need help understanding the logistics of the blumpkin).

The Class Clown - Revered for his keen implementation of the armpit fart and his exceedingly high tolerance for Ritalyn, the Class Clown is the all-around funny man. Once puberty hits, if this fellow isn’t also highly charming, his dumbfuckery will slowly slide him into the frontrunner position for loserdom. Possible futures include: late-night television host, car salesman, high-school weed peddler, that hilarious dude who jerks off the mayonnaise bottle in-between cooking orders at Applebee’s.

The Bully – Nothing highlights the concept of sharing better than the communal distribution of pain from an abused child. If this heavy-handed young scamp doesn’t expire in prison, or by cirrhosis of the liver, chances are that he will do well for himself. Possible futures include: Corporate executive, steroid-denying professional athlete, Los Angeles police officer, six-pack wife puncher, the heap of dead meat in Drivers Education Road Rage Photo#31484.

            The Geek – Glasses, halitosis, and/or a speech impediment usually demarcate this unfortunate RPG player. His future holds poor spinal posture and excessive amounts of ass time in front of a computer terminal. Possible futures include: Billionaire software designer, lifelong virgin, fervent Star Trek/Star Wars debater, writer. Or he will be bitten by a radioactive cockroach and spend his nights fighting crime in a spandex onesie.

            The Weirdo – As his status as a social oddity grows to be embraced, he will slowly trade his Twilight books and goth make-up for girl jeans and flannel, to epitomize the unsuccessful hipster stab at counter-culture. Possible futures include: intellectualizing the virtues of mocha vs. macchiato, pasty-faced and bearded vato look-alike.
           
That’s it for now. To be concluded on Wednesday…

Remedially yours,

-brandon



Music: Warren Zevon
Beer: Honker’s Ale

30 comments:

  1. I was in kindergarten in 1965 and if you misbehaved you had to wear a sign around your neck that said "grey bunny" because they were dirty and not pure white. Talk about screwing with your head. I hated school.

    ReplyDelete
  2. A funny read, though it was a bit of a downer! What keeps me from being too cynical of kids is that I realize I was probably twice as annoying as most of them when I was that little.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You left out the category oh so many of us belonged to, the rabble of nameless victims!
    Bullies didn't pound on just anyone, they had a preference for those of us who didn't fit into any of the other groups.

    Which is why I can write my own Spite, Malice, and Revenge books now. If you spend enough time plotting your revenge, eventually you get good at it. I'd give you a list of witnesses, but there aren't any.
    Damn, I'm good...
    I wouldn't take your girlfriend's job for all the money on Earth.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The thing about bullies is that several of them (okay...two) I knew as a kid pretty much matured by the time they were out of middle school... not mentally matured, but physically.

    High school was all about payback.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would never want to be a kindergarten teacher! It would be a lot of stress. I was annoying so I would know haha

    ReplyDelete
  6. good synopsis. can't wait for part two!
    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

    ReplyDelete
  7. Is it possible to be both the Weirdo and the Geek at the same time? I think I was one of those...

    Following you! Thank you for the comment :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. You forgot the little sassy asshole...that was me. No one could tell me shit! I just rolled my neck in disapproval and talked back to everyone...hmm nothing has changed lol

    ReplyDelete
  9. I salute anyone brave enough to get up in front of those little bastards.

    ReplyDelete
  10. the first 5 are spot on. I have a general idea of what the next 3 will be though.

    ReplyDelete
  11. i shall reserve judgement until the conclusion of this post on wednesday.

    because i'm too lazy to come up with anything else right now.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Nice read, can't wait for more!

    blundersfrom6foot2.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. There was a kid I knew in elementary school who used to put strawberry milk on his hot dogs! He was def the weirdo!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I was always the weird carrot-top lassie with freckles and an accent at school. Nobody new what to make of me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sad how true that is. You truly are a brave man for going anywhere near them.

    ReplyDelete
  16. wow man great observations
    keep on

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm glad that I don't fit in any of those categories!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  18. I can totally see some of these roles still being played today by people my age. Going to community college is great.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Spent a lot of my time outside the classroom thinking about what I had done.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ha! This is great. So far you have nailed these little people..
    Can't wait for part II..then I will see if I can pick which ones you and your brother were..hmmmm

    ReplyDelete
  21. at one point or another ive been all those things except a bully lol

    your friend,
    ectomorphmuscle.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lucky for this Class Clown I evolved into a charming individual... right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Bahahaha, this post is so great!! You guys have one of the few blogs that i'll actually laugh out loud to xD

    http://lifeofbaron.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  24. I was the class clown. My second grade teacher hated me cause I'd always fool around and prank her.

    ReplyDelete
  25. axaxaxxaxa!!
    interesting blog and concept!
    thank you for your comment!kisses!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. You nailed them quite well. I was a high school teacher, and you find almost the same types there. Problem is most of the kids, when growing older hide more and more behind this mask, instead of being their own real self... Pity...

    ReplyDelete
  27. I love this list :) Good explanations :D

    ReplyDelete
  28. POKEMON?? What sweet, old-fashioned kiddies! I wonder which of the 'types' you fitted into? I was... impossible. Still am. Proud of it! Career? Manager :)

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Powered by Blogger.