Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Douchey McDoucherton

            So your good friend Bryan probably isn’t welcomed in Advance Auto Parts anymore.
            No, this isn’t a story that involves gratuitous nudity (or is it?) or shoplifting, this was just me trying to get a new battery for my baby today. I don’t talk about this much, but I have 3 cars, in addition to the one my fiancé has (which I now claim partial ownership of, since I took over maintenance). I like to be modest about the whole thing. Unemployed? Yes. Bad with money? No. When I’m not driving my getaway car, I also have a Mustang GT I got myself for a birthday present 2 years ago as homage to my dad, who had one of these bad boys in Wimbledon White when he was younger.

             “I have over 400 horsepower when my battery works. When it doesn’t… closer to zero.”   >:(

            So I went to start it today and the battery was dead. I tried to jump it with my Audi, but no luck still. The battery’s only 2 years old, so I hopped on over to Advance Auto Parts to swap it out under warranty.
            Easy, right? Of-fucking-course not.
            The old guy behind the counter tests the battery and says that it has absolutely no juice in it, but might hold a charge. I said it won’t; I tried. He says he’ll grab me a new one, but first he’ll look up my warranty info. Unfortunately, he can’t find my information in the computer. He even scans my old, beatup receipt from 2 years ago, and there’s nothing. He needs help from the manager, who’s over in the corner talking with someone else.
            So bring in the douchey manager. Yeah, you know the type. Mid 20’s, spiked hair, soul patch that screams, “See, I have a tiny muff of facial hair, take me seriously in life.” He’s over 6 feet tall and lucky if he weighs 120 lbs, and is 99% likely to wear man panties aka whitey tighties and pick his nose when people aren’t looking.
            So our first introduction is him asking me about the battery. “It’s toast,” I say. “Won’t hold a charge.” His professional estimate dickish assumption is that I don’t take care of my car well enough, and he doubts the battery is bad. Meanwhile I’m holding my tongue, because I just want my (goddamned) free battery.
            He then marches back to the battery testing machine, rips the paper report out, and says to the old guy who’s been helping me, “What the hell? This isn’t a dead battery. It just has no charge. I bet you ANYTHING if I hooked this up to a trickle charger it would be 100% fine.”
            The old man, who’s embarrassed by this, says that he knew this. And I say, “Actually, I charged it with my other car and it still wouldn’t start up afterwards.”
            Douchey McDoucherton is now typing furiously on the computer, trying to look up my receipt, using the same methods the old guy did. Apparently he thinks that by typing in the exact same thing, he'll get different results. I already hate him. I bet he goes home and masturbates to animal porn.
             "Oh, well there's your answer," he says, about me jump starting my Mustang with another car. "You NEVER do that. Ever."
             He's still pecking at the computer, not looking at me at all.
             After some awkward silence, I ask, "Uhhh, okay, so what was I supposed to do instead?"
             He rolls his eyes, which are still locked on the computer, and says, "You hook it up to a soft charger and charge it gently for a little bit. It's common sense."
            Common sense my asshole. I want to use my jiu jitsu and put him in a triangle choke until his eyes pop like bubblewrap... but first, my (goddamn motherfucking) battery.
            Finally! -- I get my receipt and my free battery, aka my chance to speak. Even now I'm not looking at being terribly dickish, but I'm not going to be walked all over.
            "For future reference, the smugness wasn't appreciated. I've never had a problem jumping a car and I don't think a 'soft charger' really is common sense."
            He rolls his eyes yet again and says, "Well maybe you should learn more about cars."
            So let me preface this by saying that what I said was pompous, arrogant, and equally dickish. But before you judge, just remember that every single one of you have done this at one point in your life; that moment when you're in a verbal fight with, well, anyone, and both of you are really upset, and you want to be the one to take it to the next level. You just want to say the most barbarically hurtful thing you can. You know what I'm talking about, that moment in the fight where you tell your spouse that you faked liking their burnt lasagna. Where you tell your best friend his girlfriend was a whore before she met him. Where you tell your mom she was a shitty parent. Don't pretend you don't know about this.
            So as I'm walking toward the door, cradling the battery in my elbows, I scour my brain for the most dickish thing I can say and lay down this little gem.
            "So what's it like knowing that I own 4 cars worth more than you make in a year? Or maybe 2 years? Is that what it's like to be at the bottom? You act like cocky shit, but guess what dipshit, you're the manager of an auto parts store. Congratu-fucking-lations, you failed at life."
             And as I leave, cradling the battery in my elbows, I give the classic slow, sarcastic clap. He's saying something about me getting the fuck out, but I don't care.
             I've won. Oh, and I guess I need to find another parts store. Totally worth it, though.

Stay classy, friends,

Mood: Avenged
Beer: None yet, but need one badly
Shower: Great for washing off this smug sense of self satisfaction

                    (click for sarcastic, slow animation)


  1. Bravo! Fuck that shit sniffing fiend! The balls on that guy! Shit, I wasn't even there and I'm pissed for you!

    I don't do well with cocky doo-doo wranglers like that guy...I might have acted my COLOR and slapped the taste out of his mouth!

  2. reminds me of dane cook haha, the end is great.. get that beer!

  3. You showed that guy who is boss! I hate managers that tend to be total douche bags. Just because they have power over everything they treat everyone like a peasant.

  4. i need a beer, for my shower, and that car.

  5. You call 'em as you see 'em. Bestiality fetish manifests itself in the souls of the ignorant.

  6. I have to tell you, picking your nose when no one is looking is just being polite. I mean, if you wait until everyone is paying attention then you really are a bit of a dick.

    A soft charge? Never heard of it. My battery goes bad every 18 months like clockwork. The fine folks at my local parts store just say, "Yep, these things are shit," and give me a new one.

    Sorry you have to get grief over getting your battery replaced.

  7. Well played sir, well played.

  8. People at auto-part dealerships are always idiots it seems. A friend of mine broke a ball-joints on his Expedition the day after Christmas so he was stuck there with the truck and called his girlfriend to go pick-up the part and the guy had the nerve to say to her that women shouldn't fix cars, they should stay in the kitchen barefoot.

    I was shocked when I heard that story, I mean come on it's 2011 here buddy, why can't she wear shoes?

  9. This post just brightened up my entire day, which, up until now, was going pretty shittily. You are a role-model for [well, I don't know you personally, so I'll just go with my] writing life. Great story, and a million points to you good sir!

  10. "I bet he goes home and masturbates to animal porn."

    hey! where did you get that picture of my boyfriend and i dressed up like a fox and chicken?!

    that shit is private, bryan! and i will have you know that furry fucking is a perfectly legitimate fetish, and that-

    oh, wait. that's not us.

    never mind.

  11. I love the part about how he goes home to masterbaits to animal porn. This post literally made my day man.

    You have officially won the game,

  12. haha, freaking hilarious. Could have said something about attaching the charger to his balls for a soft startup.

  13. You were absolutely right and only got what was yours to have but the first picture has made me cry.

  14. Bravo, sir. This blog always makes for a good read.

  15. well the guy was a dick obviously. i still think you were too harsh on him though

  16. he was a dick, but so were you D:

    hilarious though.

  17. words can't even describe how much of a genius you are.

  18. "Well the jerkstore called, and they're running out of you."

    To often I think of what to say AFTER the fact. Good for you, champion of the world.

  19. Haha great story! They can be so annoying at times.

    Btw I think i commented and viewed almost all of your posts from this year :) You asked ^^

  20. I lol'd alot, especially about the soul patch part. real men grow beards. Also, I too own a Mustang GT '99 35th anniversary edition, sh*t's cash etc.

  21. Love your tag line in the title of your blog. I often also engage in shower drinking and all my friends make fun of me. You might be the only one that would actually appreciate the following post


  22. haha that gif. but yeah douchebag

  23. I know how that is. Not with auto parts, but with flute parts. I hate going to the local music shop downtown because the people that work there are mean and idiotic. The repair woman is nice and so is the owner, just not the people at the counter who I deal with 99.95% of the time.

    That reminds me that I need to take my first flute into the shop again...

  24. "Very good for picking up schoolgirls."

  25. God what a fucktard. Seriously. I'm glad you laid into him. I hate that shit.

    "maybe you should learn more about cars"

    um, we can't all be auto mechanics, thanks. I get that type of shit all the time being a woman, which pisses me off even more. SORRY MY DAD DIDN'T TEACH ME ABOUT CARS! CAN I JUST HAVE MY WINDSHIELD WIPERS AND GO PLEASE!!


  26. I think I would have also asked him if everyone knew that and it was common sense, why does his store sell jumper cables. What an ass. Good thing I wasn't there. I'd have pulled out the Jersey Girl in me and left him in my dust!

  27. Jump it from one car to another and get on with your day... that prick DESERVES to be at a cash register ringing up windshield wiper blades.

    Your dad and I had the same car, only mine was canary shit yellow. Wasn't my choice, just the original paint and I wasn't gonna mess it up.

    You should seriously consider taking down the exact address of the store, then send the manager a postcard from your next all-inclusive at Hedonism III in Negril. Make sure your sack is in the foreground of the photo, and some goddess is rubbing oil on your shoulders.

    What a horse's ass...

  28. EPIC!
    i hate people like that.
    think they're all it.
    yeah, i think it was worth it