Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Cringe-Worthy Look Into the Past

            Now that Brandon is back from fighting the Morlocks, we both wanted to take a moment to let you guys get to know more about the real us. Some people have been having confusion over who’s who, as we both trade off posting, so here’s an earnest attempt to distinguish the two of us. Firstly, a lot of people have implied that we’re brothers.

                                           (Bryan, left, Brandon, on the right)
No, we are not brothers. We are not even Eskimo brothers. Our brotherhood is purely metaphorical, as I, Bryan, have known Brandon since we were in elementary school. That's a long time, right? So for today, let’s take a trip back way back to ~1990, when mullets were king and cassette tapes were just fucking ‘radical.’
            I’ll start.

             Ah, look at that little goober. Yep, that’s me (Bryan) at the tender age of “5”, or “6”, or “fuck it, just kill it with fire.” No, ol’ Billy Ray wasn’t my hero, but my parents, who I’ve deduced are both sick, sick people, thought this hairstyle would be a great choice for me. In my defense, I didn’t look as bad as this ass-kicking magnet, but still… whoever gave my dad a pair of scissors should be sent to the electric chair.
            Look at how fucking happy I was. Was it the greasy rat tail? Was it the oversized Mickey Mouse sweater? Who knows. All I know is that looking at that, I’m surprised I’m sitting here blogging and didn’t devote my life to pushing over cows, spitting into buckets, and eating paint chips. Where’s the square-brimmed John Deere hat? Where’s the PBR and the appearance on Maury?
By some miracle I managed to turn out half way decent, and I’d like to think I’ve made a lot of progress in life. Like, back in the time that picture was taken I was sitting around in my pajamas, laughing at poop jokes, playing Dig Dug on my Nintendo, and today, I sit here unemployed, in my underwear, laughing at poop jokes, playing Dig Dug on my Nintendo…
But at least I don’t have a fucking mullet.


Hullo peoples. Brandon here. And I’m starting to have my doubts about this blast from the past nonsense now that I’m rooting through old photos. Judging by the evidence, while every kid has an awkward phase, mine spanned the entire decade between age six and sixteen. Looking at that picture of wee Bryan in a mullet almost makes it worthwhile for me posting the following. Almost.

I dub this epic snapshot “Nerdy Harry Potter on Holiday.”  
And I officially vote my eight-year-old ass off the island. First off, what am I doing…making kissy faces at the camera? I choose to believe that I was envisioning a partially nude 90's swimsuit model on the other end of that camera, and not an elderly family member.
The glasses, sadly, I have no excuse for. I just thought tiger-print brown plastic was awesome. Good call, right?
So, you may ask, what the hell was I doing, anyway? While the sunken cheeks, the forest, and canteen may lead you to believe I was some sort of pasty-faced refugee from The Lord of the Flies, it was nothing so exciting. Just a weekend camping trip. But from the look of it, at least I was well prepared for the outing. Besides the canteen and the forty pound pack I recall lugging around, you can clearly see my emergency whistle, which successfully kept me from getting lost…or raped by a bear.
And, yes that is an Orlando Magic t-shirt. Leave it to the scrawny white kid to pick the worst team in basketball to flaunt in public.
Well, we hope you’ve enjoyed this little glimpse into the dark nether regions of posterity. And, after looking at these two socially awkward little goons, hopefully now you have a better understanding of the literary misfits that became of them.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Brandon and Bryan

Music: The Fratellis (I'm listening to them too, how gay --Bryan)
Beer: Amber Bock (Bryan)
Mood: Eager to fly off to Hogwarts (Brandon)
Shower: Just the perfect way to wash out my greasy ass mullet (Bryan)


  1. LOVE the blast from the past! hahaha. And no worries-everyone has horrible pictures like that from their childhood.

  2. *referring to the pic at the very top* Good god, is Brandon drooling? lmfao I love it!

  3. Ok, so we've got Mickey Mouse and Orlando Magic tops. It's no wonder you guys are blogging buds. But how come your both not in Disney? Or are you? ;)

  4. My son had a Penny Hardaway shirt and he loved the 1/2 penny commercials they did together. Back then they were a good team. They had Shaq and Penny. Blast from the past. Very cute post.

  5. Great insight into the past there. I admire your willingness to share. As I see it, we are less than 5 years away from mullets being back in style anyway, so pretty soon Bryan's pic will be in style again.

    Ironically, I watched the Goonies last night and although Brandon doesn't look like anyone in particular from the movie, I do think he looks like he belongs in the gang. And that is awesome.

  6. I appreciate the insight into your past. Good post.

  7. You guys look too cute, Brandon that's an awesome duck face.

    I was a fat kid and I hate having pictures of me from ages 7-14 shown anywhere because I'm so round.

    When I was 8 I looked like I should have been on 16 and pregnant.

  8. My awkward years lasted from age 6 to about age 22.

    And Bryan, the 5 year old me totally would have enjoyed holding your hand! That hair! OH MY!

  9. mullets were all kinds of sexy back in the day. and tiger rimmed glasses - rrrraarrr!

  10. always good to put some faces to some names

  11. Bahahaha, i love the last comments with shower and mood xD great post as always!

  12. at least you had cameras...
    to get my childhood pics i have to use a pick and take a chuck out of the cave wall...

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  13. You are beautiful, no matter what they day. Words can't bring you down, haha.

  14. Ha, quite the dynamic duo. I remember about that time me and my best friend showed up at school with matching ninja turtle shirts. Before that day I thought when people said gay it meant happy.

  15. hey guys,

    um, why are you posting pictures of young boys on your blog?

    it's really creepy and unsettling. please stop.

  16. This is exactly what I needed to read this o'dark thirty morning before I head back to hospital. Love that mullet baby (That damn "Achy-Breaky Heart" is in my head now..)

    And yes, "Lord of the Flies" ..or not ha!!!

    Loved this (you guys were really cute though)

  17. That top picture is brilliant and will be used again.

  18. Great post haha cool pictures too :D

  19. "Eager to fly to Hogwarts"

    Haha. You both looked cool. In your own special ways.


  20. They had Dig Dug on the Nintendo? I only ever played it on the Atari 2600... I guess I missed out. Granted, I also missed out on having a mullet / rat tail... so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad.

    And why does Brandon's picture look like a trading card?

  21. guys this one is awesome
    its nice to know you better

  22. But who didn't look like that at 5 years old?

  23. The late 80's and early 90's cannot be held against you, we all dressed and looked like retards.

  24. And yet another post (reason) why I enjoy your blog haha. Keep it up!

  25. both of you are soooo lovey dovey kiddies