Saturday, January 15, 2011

A Cheap Ass's Guide to Movie Snacks

            Tonight’s date night, aka the day of the week we, as a pseudo old-married couple, don our best dress clothes and paint the town red. We’re going to visit the local AMC theater (or ‘theatre’ to you British bloggers) to see the Dilemma, starring the always awkward Vince Vaughn and the always fat Kevin James, who steps outside of his comfort zone as an actor to play the obese, bumbling best friend.
            We’re looking forward to the movie, but one thing we can never look forward to is the price of movie snacks. $7 for popcorn? $5 for a hot dog that costs 50 cents at best? $6 for an ‘Icee’, the bright neon colored drink that looks a little like a slurpee and a lot like frozen, radioactive waste? What a rip off! Rather than take out a loan on our home to afford this second-rate garbage, we've looked to a good friend of ours for an alternative.
            His name: Louis Vuitton.
            So let me start by reminding you that my brother-in-law is retardedly rich. One year, for Meli's birthday, he bought her a $5,000 Louis Vuitton purse, unasked. Yes, this is worth more than one of my cars. And yes, this is worth more than my organs on the black market... though I’d debate my liver is actually worth MORE after all of the alcoholic beatings I’ve given it (still ticking, right?).
           But regardless of organ worth, this expensive bag, used by some to transport tiny showdogs that wish they were dead, is, instead, our big leather ferry to free movie snacks. We started off shy; a bag of candy and a can of soda. Then onto a bag of trail mix, some gummy bears, and my huge water bottle. How daring! The big, cavernous bag kept taking it, and the pimple faced kids at the movie theater didn’t give either of us a second glance. We became more adventurous.
Tonight’s menu? Barbecued chicken sandwiches, french fries with hummus (to dip), apple flavored licorice ropes, candy coated almonds, and a thermos full of homemade iced coffee, which is hilariously still under the price of us buying popcorn, candy, and a drink ($20).
Can you taste the irony? I can, and it tastes like sweet, sweet freedom.
So take that, AMC, and stick it where you stick the stale popcorn and the soggy cheez wiz nachos. While you try to figure out what the hell this is made of, I’m going to be engineering a way to stuff this little baby into a Louis Vuitton for next week's date night.
Anyone else like to smuggle in some goodies when they watch a movie?

Stay classy, friends.
Bryan

Mood: Accomplished
Beer: In the bag, baby. Literally in the bag.
Shower: If I could fit it in the purse, I would.



37 comments:

  1. what a great idea (bobby hill voice)

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  2. little alcohol bottles to make that soda a cocktail

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  3. I saw a movie with some friends once and instead of buying stuff at the theater my friend drove us to a movie rental place, where we bought a bunch of the exact same candy for half the price. Since then I have never bought candy at a theater again.

    Nice blog!

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  4. I always do this...they really stick it to you on prices for food and it's bad enough the tickets are 12 freaking dollars! No thank you...I'll get my biggest granny style purse and fill that son of a gun with goodies. I have no guilt about it either. Way to go!

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  5. Do it all the time. Usually stop by chick-fi-lay beforehand and load up on food, then to the gas station to get drinks and desserts, then tell my frantic wife to "just be cool" as we go in.

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  6. I used to work at a movie theater years and years ago, the reason why they charge so much for concessions is that they barely break even on ticket sales after buying the rights and paying the bills.

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  7. Mmmmm now who would think expensive Louis would be saving you money!

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  8. Over here, popcorn's under a dollar, but then you also earn the same as a US McDonald's assistant when you've got a degree - so yes, I'm a snack smuggler although I'll admit to a weakness for 'Slush Puppy' (what we call an Icee). Generally, I don't go to the flicks - the won't let me smoke or, worst of all, crack a beer.

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  9. hehe, good post. i havent snuck in anything more than a drink, but next movie i go to Ill think of this

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  10. There's a popcorn stand in the mall I work at that sells ridiculously good tasting popcorn for less than the price of movie popcorn. Really messed up if you ask me.... especially considering there's a movie theater in the mall as well.

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  11. sneaking snacks in a vuitton? this one is classy

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  12. I do this all the time too! You can go get a shit ton of value meals, or like 6-7 Mcdoubles for the price of popcorn

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  13. You better believe I bring things into the theater. I don't have a LV bag but I have a really big TJ Maxx purse and I stuff it with candy and water. $4 for a small bottle of water is absolutely absurd. Good for you guys.

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  14. Movie theaters are a rip off over here too...for those prices I'd want manna from heaven

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  15. You are late son.. when my kids were little, their backpacks would be jammed with juice boxes, little debbie snckcakes, chips, etc. Yup, learned along time ago that the goodies at the theatre(for the British blogger)would have us living without lights the next month.
    So,indeed...sneak away!!

    (PS: how was the movie?)

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  16. My Grandma taught me at the tender age of five that the purse is always better than the theater concession. We would stop at Target prior to the movie, get popcorn and candy, hide it all in her purse, and enjoy the movie, the cheap, genius way.

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  17. I unfortunately have no such bag, so I've resorted to sticking stuff down the front of my trousers. Oh yes. I've had a Burger King double Whopper with cheese down there before. Wrapped of course.

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  18. I always take whole bag to my cinema, a see through bag even. I go to the cinema almost every week and they have never said anything to me :)

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  19. I think I'd need a hip flask for most recent films.

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  20. i could always do with a beer in my hand. love the stuff. 100% alcoholic

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  21. I've learned to hide my beer cans if the theater is fairly empty. Even Brighton frowns on a few cans of Coors Light rolling around with the credits at the end of the film!

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  22. There's a dollar store right next to one of the movie theaters in my town. I think they thrive off of the business, even selling for 1/5 of the price.

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  23. Once I stuck 2 cans of soda and 2 Subway footlongs into the theater. So yummy. Another time I stuck so much snacks and drinks in my bag that I almost toppled over but I still didn't get caught! Imagine that!

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com

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  24. Dude, this is awesome! Very fun stuff. keep churning out the goods plz!

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  25. did u know that most theatres or cinemas actually stock stale popcorn, but because we all eat it in the cinema/theatre/theater, oyschologically, we think it's brilliant popcorn and don't bat an eye. yet if you eat quality popcorn in the park, say, you don't enjoy it as much.
    i think i explained it wrong...but....

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