Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Bryan and the Epic Barfight

           So there I was, at the toughest bar in town, surrounded by faded tattoos, tree trunk arms, and shifty glances. Once I was in, I knew it was a mistake, but I needed a drink, pronto, and this place was advertising 2 for 1 beers. A guy named Spike came up to me and offered me a 2 for 1… ass kicking. His friends wanted a piece, too. One of them was a pirate. The other, a ninja. A bodybuilding lesbian, too. She looked pretty mean. They all wanted me out, and they wanted me out now. Not without my beers, I told them.
            And then the fists flew.
            I sailed in with a right and then with a left, and dropped the 2 pirates (there were 2 pirates, 2 of them I say), before ducking a hard uppercut from Spike. When he stumbled off his feet, I sent a haymaker into his stomach so hard he puked into his beard. The bodybuilder lesbian seized this opportunity to seize me—literally—and put me into a pretty nasty headlock. Flannel and body odor were my world. Unfortunately for her, I snagged a chunk of her mullet and rearranged her face against the wall.
            While I was admiring my handiwork, the ninja gave me a roundhouse kick to the face, Chuck Norris style, and was preparing for the deathblow. I wasn't having it. I punched him so hard he swallowed his bandana (and a few of his teeth)... and now here I am, with no beer and a black eye.
            ...If only.
            Yesterday I got my first black eye, which means I now have a big purple conversation starter on my face. How did I get it? Unfortunately, not from an epic bar fight, but from my fiancé, who was playing around with me, went to smack me, and instead clipped the corner of my eye. Literally just clipped it. But that was enough to send all the blood draining into my eye socket, and now I look like I was just in that very bar with Spike, Chuck Norris, and the bodybuilding lesbian.
            Essentially, it’s a free ticket to never leaving the house unless I want a slew of weird looks and a barrage of questions. What happened? Did you get mugged? Did you get into a fight? Worst of all, I could tell them that Meli did it on accident, but what’s the first thing everyone assumes? Answer: that she asked me if that dress made her butt look too big, I said yes it does, and then she beat me into next Tuesday. She's a feisty ethnic girl, and I'm a thin white guy. Who would believe it was an accident?
            So I’ve found the solution to that. 
  (Author: foreground. Abusive spouse: background. Taken in between beatings)
 Presto, no black eye. Today, as a test, we went to out to Wal-mart, and between my red Chucks, my Super Mario Bros. t-shirt, and the cop glasses, no one gave me a second glance. I just looked like a hipster. Or a junky. Either way, God knows we've all seen a million+ worse things at ol Wally World. I was just another idiot wearing his sunglasses inside.
So unless I want to paint my face like a retard, there's no other way to disguise my new facial decoration. Till then, if I have to go out, I'm sticking with my story about Spike, the lesbian body builder, the Chuck Norris ninja, and the 3 pirates (now that I remember it, there were 3).
            Oh, and remember, spousal abuse is never funny… unless it’s on Lifetime.

Stay classy, friends.

Mood: Amused
Beer: Feels good pressed against my eye
Shower: Washes away dirt, grease, and grime, but does not wash away bruises... or the shame


  1. Easy solution to your problem. Just go pick a fight with someone you are sure will kick your ass.

    "Where did that black eye come from?"

    "I'm not sure, I had a couple of fights recently. Hard to know for sure."

    You're welcome.

  2. I love your blog! Great post! hope the eye clears up soon.

  3. Dude that's great writing! Very interesting, too. I was kinda sad it wasn't true... xD [although how could it with those circumstances? but hey, one can dream...]

    here's my blog if anyone's interested :) http://lifeofbaron.blogspot.com

  4. Dude, your fiance has a fierce tag!

  5. Man... Can't EVER go wrong with Red Chucks, you know!! ;o)


  6. I can top that. I may even blog about my story tonight now that time has passed. I got drunk and fell on my face a couple of halloween's ago. Gave myself two black eyes and scratched up my face. I kept getting the 'you really should break up with your boyfriend' looks. Especially at WalMart.

    visions unto myself

  7. Dude, Seriously. That's badass! I had a similar situation once... I was roughhousing with my BF at the time and he was holding me down and tickling me. In a knee jerk reaction I threw my head (face) up and hit his elbow square on. It was a lovely shiner. I actually got quite a bit of giggles out of telling people he hit me, and then watching the blood drain from his face. Priceless.

  8. Holy crap! I can't say I've ever had a black eye, but good call with the aviators! Following :)

  9. Bahahahaha. I remember my first black eye. I was in the 2nd grade and someone threw a tetherball to my face. That hurt.

    I think I've had another one but don't remember when.


  10. man i would definitely stuck with the bar story
    it is just too cool

  11. very good stuff :D next good blog about .. BEER :D

  12. damn, i wish that story was real. you had me at roundhouse kick!

    i accidentally inure myself all the time, and i'm always embarrassed to say "it was dark; i walked into my freezer door handle"

  13. Ah, so you were the guy sportin' shades I saw?
    I must say, that is a fine looking black eye..kinda macho looking...

    Hell in Wally World I have seen so many odd-balls I could write about them and never run dry of stories..

    It's you that is the good writer..very good indeed..

  14. i dont know why but i laughed so much at the last pic of hte dudes eyes, great read

  15. My kind of woman! Takes no shit! Saw your comment on my blog and came by the say hey. Loved this story. It's hysterical. Count me in as a follower.



  16. "Taken in between beatings"

    Haha. From the photo you look like a dead ringer for Ed Miliband.

  17. You have a great way of telling a story. I would stick with the Chuck Norris/lesbian story too.

  18. body building lesbians can be pretty scary

  19. Just tell people you started a fight club.

  20. Whoa that must have been quite a hit :) I hope you are good! nice post :)

  21. I get it, saying it was your fiancée to hide your secret identity. Cool.

    The secret is safe with all of us. And the internet.

    All I can say is, I know who I'm calling for help when the ninja/norris/lesbians finally come to take me out.

  22. BTW, I did mean your fiancee was my kind of woman. I did know you were a dude! hahaha.

  23. i bLame all my black eyes on hockey fights...

    or late night drunkenstupor falls from rooftops and riding in open pickup beds at high speeds....

    new follower, wonderederdedrerd over from bouncin barbs blog

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  24. Tl;DR, he was having sex with his girlfriend when he called her by the wrong name... she unhooked her strap-on and clobbered him mercilessly in the eye... this resulted in a black and blue shiner...

  25. Atleast the glasses are pretty cool. haha :D

  26. Ouch haha just say you fell down the stairs

  27. hello. i like your blog.

    i especially like that girls punch you in the face.


  28. Awesome story man, although you have to admit that you got pwned.

  29. really great blog you got here. I'll be following.

  30. Jayne likes this. Bag of frozen peas, Dude. Works like a charm. Although I assume you've healed by now...

  31. aww man. that's an odd way to get a black eye. still, least you can invent some stories about it...like the army of pirates...