A hopelessly lonesome young woman named Stella moves to the small town of Spoons, Alaska. On her first day at the new High School, she is nearly crushed by a runaway Eskimo dogsled. But, Stella is rescued at the last second by an albino beefcake, who, with one swipe, squashes both the Eskimo and his Eskalade into a bloody mess. Her rescuer (his name is Big Ed) is stunningly beautiful, if a little on the hairy side. In fact, pages 9—316 of the novel will be dedicated to the marvelous shine of his immaculate white hair, the hungry way he looks at our protagonist, and how it makes her quiver in her underoos.
At first, Stella is offended that Big Ed will not speak to her; in fact, all he seems capable of doing is growling. This is because all he wants to do is maul her face off. Because, you see, Big Ed is really a polar bear, but nobody knows it. At last, when she sees Big Ed bite the head off the third period English teacher, Stella will understand why everything he says is awkward and foreign, and why he has so much damn body hair. He and his 100+ year-old polar bear clan are hiding out in the township of Spoons, since the only way they can keep from being hunted is to try to blend in with the humans. And, until Stella came along, everything was great. Natch, nobody suspected a thing of the furry, 500 lb. siblings who lumbered around and shat in the halls. Nor did anyone make a fuss about the smelly seal carcasses in the lunchroom. And so what if they've been at the same high school for fifteen years? I said this was Alaska, right?
Big Ed will finally confide his secret to Stella and take her back to his cave. On the way there, Stella gets sniffed out and attacked by a wolf pack. Big Ed claws, stomps, and bites all of their heads off, generally winning over Stella’s heart and stuff. But when they get back to his home, his Canadian family is pissed because she interrupts their curling match. So they eat her. The world is spared from sequels. The End.
Of course, the full story will be much more action-packed, with bestiality and such, but I don't want to bore you to death here. And, in the spirit of my last post, I'll be ghost-writing this gem of a novel for Sarah Palin. That way, with her name on the cover, I get a bestselling paycheck, and she gets a reason to promote shooting polar bears. Win-win!
Beer: Bells Two-Hearted
Music: Tab Benoit
Who says this protagonist has no substance?
Your ass is next, Big Ed!