Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Back to the Drawing Board

I hardly listen to the radio, but it seems like you can't turn one on these days without hearing lifted track samples, or outright re-makes of songs only released a few years ago. Bryan and I got to thinking: perhaps there are some books out there that could use a little Botox, maybe a stomach-stapling or two. So, here we go. I hope you can still spot the original story in the following remodeled synopsis...

A hopelessly lonesome young woman named Stella moves to the small town of Spoons, Alaska. On her first day at the new High School, she is nearly crushed by a runaway Eskimo dogsled. But, Stella is rescued at the last second by an albino beefcake, who, with one swipe, squashes both the Eskimo and his Eskalade into a bloody mess. Her rescuer (his name is Big Ed) is stunningly beautiful, if a little on the hairy side. In fact, pages 9—316 of the novel will be dedicated to the marvelous shine of his immaculate white hair, the hungry way he looks at our protagonist, and how it makes her quiver in her underoos.
At first, Stella is offended that Big Ed will not speak to her; in fact, all he seems capable of doing is growling. This is because all he wants to do is maul her face off. Because, you see, Big Ed is really a polar bear, but nobody knows it. At last, when she sees Big Ed bite the head off the third period English teacher, Stella will understand why everything he says is awkward and foreign, and why he has so much damn body hair.  He and his 100+ year-old polar bear clan are hiding out in the township of Spoons, since the only way they can keep from being hunted is to try to blend in with the humans. And, until Stella came along, everything was great. Natch, nobody suspected a thing of the furry, 500 lb. siblings who lumbered around and shat in the halls. Nor did anyone make a fuss about the smelly seal carcasses in the lunchroom. And so what if they've been at the same high school for fifteen years? I said this was Alaska, right?
Big Ed will finally confide his secret to Stella and take her back to his cave. On the way there, Stella gets sniffed out and attacked by a wolf pack. Big Ed claws, stomps, and bites all of their heads off, generally winning over Stella’s heart and stuff. But when they get back to his home, his Canadian family is pissed because she interrupts their curling match. So they eat her. The world is spared from sequels. The End.
Of course, the full story will be much more action-packed, with bestiality and such, but I don't want to bore you to death here. And, in the spirit of my last post, I'll be ghost-writing this gem of a novel for Sarah Palin. That way, with her name on the cover, I get a bestselling paycheck, and she gets a reason to promote shooting polar bears. Win-win!
Cheers,
-brandon

Beer: Bells Two-Hearted
Music: Tab Benoit
Who says this protagonist has no substance?


Your ass is next, Big Ed!

30 comments:

  1. I would suggest listening to internet radio such as Last.fm or Pandora.

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  2. Or listen to bbc radio 1 :) 2/3 can work too =]

    Cool post, cute bear :)

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  3. i sincerely hope that you get some kind of break; you're a great writer.

    [here's my blog if anyone's interested - new updates daily :D http://lifeofbaron.bogspot.com]

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  4. umm bells two hearted!

    what was the post about?

    stupid palin? did you mention that spoogebeagle?

    ummm bells

    Bruce
    bruce johnson jadip
    evilbruce
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy
    dreamodeling!

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  5. Grr, Palin makes me so angry, how much more of an idiot can she be? Great blog by the way, I'm enjoying checking it out! Check mine out too, I hope you will find something of interest =]

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  6. Bruce: the post was a revamped book proposal for Twilight. Get it, revam--I apologize :(

    SS: I also have a vat of snake oil priced to move, move, move.

    Aaron: thanks dude

    Zoey + Doo: There's a link embedded in the first line that goes to my Last.fm profile.

    Cheers all!

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  7. What drives me nuts is that there are 4 songs out right now that rhyme "Swagger" with the last name of the Rolling Stones lead singer. Not only are their other words that could be used, but the vast majority of their target audience has no idea who they're talking about.

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  8. revamped! awesome...

    but so was the beer!

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  9. You made it better than the original! How is that possi--

    Oh yeah.... That's how it's possible...

    visions unto myself

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  10. You're a genius!! I'd be pissed if my curling game was interrupted too. Die Stella, DIE!

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  11. But why does it have to be a polar bear?!!!!! Couldn't you make up some mythical monster that doesn't already exist so that way it can stay a ruined character? Haha...So mad about her doing that with the vampires...

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

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  12. i'm not much of a reader, so this was unfortunately wasted on my lack of literary knowledge. i've seen enough of sarah palin today, she's all over the news haha

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  13. man what the hell
    this one is better than the real story

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  14. yeah, you don't want to interrupt a canadian during a curling match, eh. we will fuck you right up.

    though i don't think i'd go so far as to EAT OUT an american woman for it. curling's not THAT great.

    what's that? oh, eat? EAT an american woman?

    oh, yeah, i'd do that.

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  15. This is a really brutal story and I love the ending :)

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  16. I made a comment in an older post of mine that if Palin became president I am moving to Canada!

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  17. If I hear one more damn song that tells me to do something stupid I'ma go off! I don't wanna teach you how to dougie! Make it stop!!

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  18. When I think of S Palin, I think of the Barbie that was rejected at the factory.. Great story and yes, better than the orig..

    You are some kinda good writer!!

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  19. hello,

    thank you for your nice comment on sucios blog:)! that has me very happy!
    Your blog is great. I like your blog. great posts.

    i follow you! please follow me too! Thanks so much

    have a great time:)


    greetings:)
    http://mar-iza.blogspot.com/

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  20. oh great ;)

    ich habe alles verstanden was du auf deutsch geschrieben hast :)

    where have you lived in Germany?

    greetings:)
    http://mar-iza.blogspot.com/

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