Monday, January 24, 2011

The Assistant (an Erotic Thriller)

 Like Jason Statham in the Transporter, who’s a a big, burly, buff martial artist who kicks ass, breaks necks, and screams around town in his black Audi, I, too... drive a black Audi.
So when I was called upon to drive around a rich executive’s pretty young assistant, I gladly accepted. 

                               "I don't see any documents, but I think I see my Rolex."
"When does the job start?" I asked.
"Now," said the voice on the other end of the line, right as the phone clicked and I got an earful of dialtone.
The girl was in the trunk. Don’t ask me why, but girls are always stored in trunks. I keep mine in a basement because it’s darker and harder to escape (modern cars have that stupid trunk release from the inside that makes it easy to get out, complete with hilarious diagram), but whatever. She clambered up into the passenger seat, none too happy to be there.
“You need to drive, now,” she instructed, in a Russian or Polish or maybe Ukrainian accent. I would have asked her which one, but they always seem so damned hurt over that, like I should CLEARLY know the difference between a Russian woman and a Polish woman and a Ukrainian woman and a woman from the southern tip of Uzbekistan.
“We’re being pursued,” she told me, calmly, eyes darting back over her shoulder with great urgency. “We’re being chased by Russian mobsters that want my father, who is a major political figure, dead, and me, his unnaturally hot daughter (considering he’s an ugly old man) is wanted dead also. Naturally, my father’s henchmen paired me up with you, an attractive driver in my same generic age range who will be more likely to sexually connect with me at the end of this. Oh, also… we need to go to King Soopers for some Lucky Charms and frozen breakfast burritos for your brother in law.”
You said a mouthful, sister.
I slammed the car into first gear, the turbo gave a not-so-manly whistle, and we zipped off to King Soopers.
Sure enough, they were waiting for me in the breakfast aisle—four Russian goons with foreheads like canyon walls and eyebrows thicker and furrier than Robin Williams armhair. They were ugly motherfuckers, and they were mad at me for wanting to bring their sworn enemy some food. With five, yeah five big muscleheads between me and Lucky the Leprechaun, I took off my Armani jacket, handed it to the assistant, and stepped into action (can’t dirty up the jacket).
The first goon was fed a hearty meal of knuckle sandwich, which sent him into a bargain bin of knock off cereals. The second one I kicked in the junk so hard his testicles exploded.
Clean up on aisle three, bitches.
The third and the fourth were more work, because they each grabbed an arm of my button up shirt and pulled with all of their might. Apparently the buttons on my $200 shirt are of poor quality, because they ripped and the shirt came clean off, exposing the glistening, well oiled muscles beneath. This always happens to me. WTF? I need higher quality shirts.
I guess you could say that that day I dressed.... to kill.
The two remaining goons, of the six that had showed up (yes, six), were twins, and I’ll be damned if those two didn’t both look like Louie Anderson; they were fat, gap-toothed, pedophile looking motherfuckers with greasy hair and grating, nasally voices that sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and they both came at me hard as the first Louie Anderson said to me, “You’re mine, bitch.”
I delivered to the two of them a single roundhouse kick so deadly it's currently being studied as a way to fuel rocket ships by NASA, and sent their now dead bodies into a coffin of Crunchberries. I felt sorry for the poor sap who was going to have to clean this mess up.
Later, in the car, the assistant wanted to thank me.
"I want to make love to you," she said, in a sultry tone that would have been more sultry if she didn't have that weird eastern European accent, the one that makes everything sound like a hard consonant. It was like getting seduced by Hitler. "But I am betrothed to be married on this day next week, to the evil warlord my dad is in business with, even though I want nothing to do with him."
"Oh, that's cool," I told her. "I'm engaged, and my fiance's pretty damn hot. Plus, tonight is taco night, and I don't want to be late for tacos."
And so we made our getaway in the black Audi, back to her boss to drop off the goods, and go figure, he was mad that it took so long. We both figured it was best to keep our mouths shut, but if only he knew the lengths we went through to get that sugary marshmallow cereal.
If only he knew.
Mmmm, taco night.

Stay classy, friends,

Mood: Exhausted from all that ass kicking
Beer: Sam Adams Noble Pils
Shower: How do you get the blood of dead Russians out of your hair? Asking for a friend.

 The author's car, between ass kickings, when it's running (which is not often, goddamn Germans)


  1. Sounds like you had quite the adventure!

  2. That is a great story. Very creative. Not enough sex but very creative. hahahaha.

  3. Nothing like some fast-paced action to get the blood pumping

  4. The only way this story could be better is if you found a dollar on the ground next to your car.

  5. haha! that's odd, the picture of you with your shirt off says "jason statham, transporter" for some weird reason.

    you should fix that, bryan. people will get the wrong idea, and think it's not you.

  6. Yes, not enough sex...but it still was a kick ass story! I need a handy wipe from thinking about Jason next time, let the ladies (and a few gentlemen) have a climax dammit ;) lol

  7. dude!
    i saw you kick their asses... and there were 7 of em, one of the louies ate a smaller ninjaish guy and he got squashed!

    and wtf is up with lucky puking all the time. last time he had my back, well, that stripe down my back was not yellow!

    great post as usual!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    Bruce’s Evil Twin
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  8. You had me at Jason Statham! MMMM....Daddy! A guy doesn't even have to be that good looking...if he can drive like sexy. You whip that Audi around baby! hahaha.
    Loved the post.

  9. Nice story as usual :) I'm digging the first pic ^^

  10. I have to say...I haven't read much of your stuff but that had me laughing my butt off. Great job!

  11. Now you've gone too far!
    ANybody can spot an Uzbek woman.

  12. Gotta be home for taco night, despite the drawbacks.

    Also, i almost bought an A4 myself.. but the electrical problems scared me. now i escort my ass around in a mk2 vw

  13. Hehe, round house kicks always work

  14. lol nice erotic thriller man,

  15. That is quite an interesting picture, I can only wish a similar situation would happen to me at work.

  16. Such a faithful lover. Is that the Soopers behind the hot rod?

  17. "It was like getting seduced by Hitler." This post was full of awesome XD

  18. Lol at the caption for the first pic

  19. Wow that was hilariously cheesy. I loved it! <3

  20. You literally are the reason I wake up in the morning, lol.

  21. Very funny, clean up on aisle three, bitches.

  22. Whoa, new fan here. Bitches gotta do what bitches got to do for Lucky Charms.

    Starting the morning with your well oiled perfectly chiseled chest exposed and glistening under florescent lighting...

    gotta go

  23. Great story - loved the pics too

  24. Now I'm going to have nightmares, nay night terrors, about Louie Anderson lookalikes coming after me.

    It's almost a scarier thought than the cartoon that they made of him.

  25. Now how did you find that picture of me and my boss? I hate the way my hair looks in this shot...

    Great writing as always and I LOVE Audis..when they are running:-)
    (thank you guys for your words of support..means mucho, mucho!!)

  26. Is it sad that the picture was what hooked me? I have issues...haha. Great writing!

  27. I loved it. Very bomshackalacka '70's!

  28. "I delivered to the two of them a single roundhouse kick so deadly it's currently being studied as a way to fuel rocket ships by NASA"

    what the hell man! i cant express how much i loved this sentence

  29. ah, you really could've used more pics like the first one to illustrate the story ;)

  30. Bahahahaha! Damn all those child-proof safety features cars have these days! Awesome post :D Btw, I gave you an award, it's on my latest post!

  31. Badass story! I think they might have made a movie about it!