Sunday, January 16, 2011

The 4 Keys to Being Brandon

            Hey guys. Today’s post will be a little short because I'm feeling kinda sick, so I'm just going to simply call this the 4 essential key points of what it is to be Brandon.

Point number 1

After a long, hard day at work, there’s really nothing more satisfying than coming home to my apartment, curling up around the fireplace, and doing a lethal amount of meth.

Point number 2

I don’t have to drink my own urine. I just do. All that black tar heroin really dries out my mouth.

Point number 3

I’ve often asked myself, Brandon, are you happy with the female sex? And to answer that honestly, I don’t know. I’ve often thought of switching teams. I experimented a lot in college with an elderly gentleman named Murray, and he taught me a lot about life. And love. And forced intercourse. To this day I can’t watch Grumpy Old Men without sporting an erection. Walter Matthau had some amazing jowls.

Point number 4 (and the most important point of all)

Brandon is out sick today… and Bryan, well, he’s a sick bastard. So he posted this in Brandon’s honor.

Filling in for Brandon,
(and stay classy, folks)
Bryan

Brandon’s Mood: Sick (and possibly embarrassed)
Brandon’s Music: Taylor Swift
Brandon’s Shower: Lonely without Murray :(


41 comments:

  1. Thanks for letting the cat out of the bag regarding Brandon. It's good to know.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Walter Matthiau in the Odd Couple was adorable!! Love this post. Black tar heroin does that huh? I've not done that but have done opium that was like black tar and I just kept drinking Heineken! Feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  3. dear brandon,

    i miss you, my snuggly woo. come back to me.

    all my love,
    murray

    ReplyDelete
  4. Great... thanks, now I am going to have to revisit my Walter Matthau fetish.

    SD
    simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  5. Brandon is going to be upset when he sees this! lol!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sounds a lot like my life only I've never considered switching teams :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. bahahahahahaha!!! this has to be my favourite post i've seen so far by any blogger!!!! hahahahaha XD kudos good sir!!

    anyways, here's my blog if anyone's interested; just random posts that i think will be interesting/useful to my readers :) http://lifeofbaron.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wish I was able to define myself so nicely by my life experiences like that. I need to get my life more in order before that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. haha, nice post. I wonder if there will be retaliation in future posts XD

    ReplyDelete
  10. Meth just makes me tired, and a little paranoid

    ReplyDelete
  11. LOL just like ~TheDude said, I want to see retaliation haha.

    ReplyDelete
  12. In response to your question on my blog [since chances are higher that you'll see this here than as another comment on my blog] there's nothing to it really lmao, you just go around and ask all the different waiters if they'd go grab you some mints. and try bribing your waiter, be like "hey there's a nice tip in it for you if you give me a ton of mints"

    and dude yes!! there's a certain taste of victory that they have that you just can't get from a bag from the store.

    ReplyDelete
  13. haha, sounds like Brandon isn't going to be terribly happy about your depiction of his 4 main life points. I guess point #1 might also explain why he is feeling sick!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I thought I was the only one that drank my own urine cuz of a dry mouth.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Listen, my friend, anyone who drinks their own urine by choice and gets a boner from the size of a man's jowls, is interesting enough for me to follow...

    Fuckin' A!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is kinda sick :) However I don't really get it but okay XD

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for posting that: I so appreciate a little sentimentality. The female sex? They could be improved: beer dispensing nipples for one thing!

    ReplyDelete
  18. meth is bad mmkay.
    Nice post Bryan.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Haha brandon is one funny character!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well that's some useful information about Brandon. I'm glad you brought us all up to speed, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gave you guys some bloglove and an award on my blog.

    Come check it out!

    visions unto myself

    ReplyDelete
  22. who is branden? still a funny post though, nice job

    ReplyDelete
  23. Christ, those jowls... they're amazing

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think Brandon sounds like a winner! I'd love to introduce him to my parents!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Nice post.

    following and supporting.

    http://illuminatinwo.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  26. OMG I laughed so hard at the thinking about switching for the other team thing. Haha.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  27. that was really funny!
    and can that old guy's face sag any more, i think it must be impossible

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Powered by Blogger.