Saturday, December 18, 2010

Hvem i helvete ønsker å være meg (Who the Hell Would Want to be Me?)

            My identity got stolen… again. It happened first in 2007 with my bank card, and again this morning when I signed onto my credit card’s website and questioned if I had really purchased $4,000 in garments from a Norwegian clothing store with a name that when pronounced, makes you sound like you’re either vomiting, or yodeling, or maybe both at the same time. No, I thought, never been to Norway, and I’m still wearing my unemployment uniform (wife beater and underwear), so the red flags went up.
            Everything’s taken care of, and no, contrary to popular belief, I didn't hand out my card to a stranger or enter it into some shady website or give it to the nice Nigerian man who informed me I’m inheriting $18 billion via e-mail. In the past month, I haven’t even bought anything; see the previous posts in which I bitch about not having money. 
            Ironically enough, my non-writing career path has always been IT, specializing in IT security, so not only am I pretty confident of what NOT to do with my credit card, my laptop is so secure the only thing it’s missing is a barbed wire perimeter and a big fat guy who’s not quite buff, in a t-shirt two sizes too small, standing out front with a headset, his arms crossed, and a smirk.
            As I understand it, well, these things just kinda happen. Most people I know have had their identity stolen at least once in their life… I’m just extra lucky, perhaps.
            But it made me wonder… who the hell would want to be me? Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a question of self esteem. I’m very self confident, as evident by my chiseled body, movie star good looks, and my dynamo ability in the sack (ladies?), but from a financial standpoint, well… see the previous posts in which I bitch about not having money.
            And yes I know, what I lack in money, I make up for in love and friends and blah blah blah crap
            The point is that a homosexual Norwegian (who else would want $4k in clothes?) wants to be me. And to him I say… good luck. You have just assumed the role of an unemployed writer whose current highlight of the day has been watching the fat guy on Man Vs. Food try to stuff a 2 foot tall hamburger in his gob, who might spend the next half hour playing a video game or applying for jobs he doesn’t qualify for or scratching himself, or hell, maybe all three at once because he can multi-task like a motherfucker. And on tonight’s dining menu, well, tonight’s a special treat. My personal Chef (his name is Boyardee) is whipping up his world famous ravioli. It’s either garnished with a white wine pesto with a hint of sage and garlic… or stale tomato paste. I can’t quite recall which.
            If you're still interested, gay Norwegian, the job is yours. It's lunch time and the TV dinner's already getting cold in the microwave. Plus, I hear another string of bad daytime judge shows is about to come on. Wait, where are you going? Kom tilbake hit homofil norske! (Come back here homosexual Norwegian)
           Crap. Guess I gotta keep being me. 
           So... here's a toast to 27 years of being me, and a toast to 27 more if the alcohol or the gout or poor decision making doesn't take me first.


Mood: Trøtt
Drinking: Blod av et lite barn
Shower: Varm og lun

                               The author's wardrobe of choice while watching Judge Judy.


  1. i'm so relieved... good to know other people wear boxers and a wife-beater all day too... sucks about the credit fraud

  2. I love spending the day in underwear, I never get to do it because I live at home and everyone is always home but the few chances that I get to do it is marvelous.

    Sorry about the identity theft but look on the bright side you got it fixed!

  3. Lol you showed that Norwegian a-hole what's up! It's good you got that all clear man because it sucks when people do identify theft!

  4. That sucks. My Mother refuses to use the internet at all due to her fear of identity fraud. I keep reminding her that he identity has already been stolen twice in the past three years but she fails to see my point at all.

    Still, being able to spend your days in your underwear watching TV sounds exotic and exciting to me - I'd like to trade places for a week or two.

  5. On the plus side, at least you know your life is better than the life of a gay Norwegian-- otherwise he wouldn't want to be you so bad.

  6. It's trivial to generate a credit card check-sum. I think a lot of this is just random number generation.

  7. You get access to some one's credit card, the ability to spend it on the most precious of items, and you buy fucking clothes? What the fuck. Oh well, good thing the bank can check that stuff.

  8. Damn, I hope everything works out in the end. Good luck in that strange, weird place we call the real world.

  9. That sucks really hard. I had $1000 stolen from me before and it was a bit of a hassle getting that money recovered, that's for sure. Best of luck

  10. Det kunne være værre, du kunne være mig...

  11. I had my steam account hijacked with quite a few games tied to it. I never gave out the password, didn't use the same one for different sites etc etc but someone still managed to get it.

  12. that's crap for you! good that you got it sorted tho.
    and on the Man Vs Food thing - did you see how slim-ish he was at the beginning? And how he could audition for a rhino in an animal show!
    I doubt most women spend $4k on clothes. Heck, If I had that much money to blow, I'd buy...i think I'd invest in Gold. Or cacti...