Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sooper Dooper Party Pooper

I'm a comic-book geek, and always have been. Both the quality stories and the corny ones have earned permanent places in my heart. From the subconsciously homoerotic superheroes, with their Cling-Wrap tights and soap-opera-esque ensemble teams, to the "independent" titles that are salivated over by plaid-draped hipsters everywhere, I'm a sucker for the artistic medium that is the comic-book. And, like any good geek, I often find myself thinking about what the coolest superpower would be. The answer changes daily, depending on functionality, and sometimes in response to the degree of dumbfuckery encountered in any given situation. I'd like to share a couple of my favorites.

First: Body-Doubling
Like Multiple Man in the Marvel universe, I think this would be an awesome superpower, especially if you're the lazy sort. If you were able to make identical copies of yourself, you'd never have to lift a finger around the house again. Nor would going to work be much of a nuisance. Quit your day job, buy a set of aprons and rubber gloves, and start your own manly maid service. The old ladies would love it. Maybe even an escort service? And, if some asshat pissed you off, you could just send one of your doubles over to take care of business, get beat up, shot, stabbed, go to prison, et cetera. No skin off your back. I foresee a couple of downsides here, if I wasn't careful. Knowing myself, probable mutiny would be at the top of the list, and I'd be stomped to death by a horde of overworked, curmudgeonly writers in Doc Martens, spouting off references to The Emancipation Proclamation. Barring that, I'd never be able to leave my fiancee alone, having learned a hard lesson from Michael Keaton's obliviously floozy wife sexing up all those Bruce Wayne clones in Multiplicity.

Second: Involuntary diarrhea by telekinesis.
This is a fun one, and probably my favorite. Say for example you're at a party, talking to a chica who is moderately attractive, and at least as good as you are at concealing her flaws. And, like an elevator fart, some halitotic dick swoops in to suffocate the conversation. We've all been there; there's nothing funny about being cock-blocked by a pushy intruder. But, luckily, you have the power to expel his bowels into his socks at warp speed. He'll slosh his way to the bathroom, not being talked about for his bad breath for once, and you'll be free to work your magic, if you've got any. And, if you get shut down of your own accord, at least you weren't the biggest loser at the party. Of course, this superpower has an endless supply of applications, but for added effect, I'd probably try to use it in a place where there are no restrooms handy.

What would your superpower of choice be? The ability to mentally control a flock of chickens? X-Ray vision for your inner voyeur? I'm curious.


Beer: Pitcher of Colorado Native
Music: The Smiths


  1. I would want to have telekinesis so every teacher gives me an A in class :D

  2. Involuntary diarrhea by telekinesis, now that is good but I want the power of angrier by making everybody really angry within a 100ft radius.

  3. I've often thought about the telekinesis one but boners instead of diarrhea. You're at a boring meeting at work and the guying giving the speech gets a raging hard on. Hilarious

  4. I think the super power that I would love to have is the power to shrink and grow things so that when you're moving you can just shrink your things to fit in your car so you don't need to rent a truck, you never have to worry about finding the right size clothes because it all just fits!

  5. Now I need some super powers myself or a physician to fix the broken wing I just got from falling off this chair while laughing my fool ass off. I cast my vote for the ID by T as well! Wonderful post....

  6. the multiplying one would come in handy when you're trying to impress a certain woman in bed... you can literally have sex all night...

    Eiffel tower!

  7. I want the worst ten superhero powers ever to be combined, I think I would have fun trying to make something useful out of them.

  8. I quite literally sprayed my coffee when I read the second one. The first one was understandable but the second one was hilarious.

  9. Oh I want to be able to give people Tourettes(not making fun of those afflicted, mind you) on a whim.. Like when a girl is lying to a guy, yes, she cusses and twitches, The boss at a meeting, ditto.. so yeah, invisible tourettes power..

  10. I guess I would have been a comic book geek too. I just never had the money to buy comics. I owned one or two though :)

  11. The Smiths are good. I'd probably like to be able to turn invisible whenever I want to. B awesome fro pulling pranks


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