I'm a comic-book geek, and always have been. Both the quality stories and the corny ones have earned permanent places in my heart. From the subconsciously homoerotic superheroes, with their Cling-Wrap tights and soap-opera-esque ensemble teams, to the "independent" titles that are salivated over by plaid-draped hipsters everywhere, I'm a sucker for the artistic medium that is the comic-book. And, like any good geek, I often find myself thinking about what the coolest superpower would be. The answer changes daily, depending on functionality, and sometimes in response to the degree of dumbfuckery encountered in any given situation. I'd like to share a couple of my favorites.
Like Multiple Man in the Marvel universe, I think this would be an awesome superpower, especially if you're the lazy sort. If you were able to make identical copies of yourself, you'd never have to lift a finger around the house again. Nor would going to work be much of a nuisance. Quit your day job, buy a set of aprons and rubber gloves, and start your own manly maid service. The old ladies would love it. Maybe even an escort service? And, if some asshat pissed you off, you could just send one of your doubles over to take care of business, get beat up, shot, stabbed, go to prison, et cetera. No skin off your back. I foresee a couple of downsides here, if I wasn't careful. Knowing myself, probable mutiny would be at the top of the list, and I'd be stomped to death by a horde of overworked, curmudgeonly writers in Doc Martens, spouting off references to The Emancipation Proclamation. Barring that, I'd never be able to leave my fiancee alone, having learned a hard lesson from Michael Keaton's obliviously floozy wife sexing up all those Bruce Wayne clones in Multiplicity.
Second: Involuntary diarrhea by telekinesis.
This is a fun one, and probably my favorite. Say for example you're at a party, talking to a chica who is moderately attractive, and at least as good as you are at concealing her flaws. And, like an elevator fart, some halitotic dick swoops in to suffocate the conversation. We've all been there; there's nothing funny about being cock-blocked by a pushy intruder. But, luckily, you have the power to expel his bowels into his socks at warp speed. He'll slosh his way to the bathroom, not being talked about for his bad breath for once, and you'll be free to work your magic, if you've got any. And, if you get shut down of your own accord, at least you weren't the biggest loser at the party. Of course, this superpower has an endless supply of applications, but for added effect, I'd probably try to use it in a place where there are no restrooms handy.
What would your superpower of choice be? The ability to mentally control a flock of chickens? X-Ray vision for your inner voyeur? I'm curious.
Beer: Pitcher of Colorado Native
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