Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Remedial Me

Today I took a trip to the land of the Munchkins. Not the one inspired by L. Frank Baum's dalliance with LSD,  but the one where your average, nose-mining, nine-year-old spends the majority of his daytime hours. Elementary school (or Primary school if you've got an accent): that magical place where our future leaders and/or prison population are shuffled off into classrooms to learn their three R's. At least, in my day, it was the three R's. Probably as a result of my generation, at some point in the last two decades, someone realized that maybe an Education slogan centered around Reading, Riting, and Rithmetic might be sending students the Rong message.  idu WTF d prob S thO . gramA S OvR8d .

Why, you may ask, was I wandering the halls of the local Catholic school today? I am not a sexual deviant on the prowl. And I'm certainly not a man of the seminary. Nor am I one of the scumbags who tries to play both parts.

No, today, I was on official business. Which doesn't mean I was wearing a Santa suit, either. I'm neither fat nor jolly enough to be anything more than a sickly Mr. Claus, so I spread Holiday cheer in the next best way. I got to read Christmas books to second graders in my fiancee's classroom. And it was a blast. Kids are great. They ask what your favorite scary movie is (Beetlejuice), why you're eyes are brown (because I'm completely full of shit), and how many babies you're planning on having with their teacher (enough to make sure I'll have a compatible liver donor when I'm in my forties). It was great fun. I figure, being able to come up with a politically-correct and age-appropriate answer for about one in three questions was pretty good of me.

And I learned this about kids: if you can't come up with a good answer, all you have to do is kick your vocabulary in the ass a little bit, and either confusion will make them forget the question, or awe will lift you upon the shoulders of Einstein. Kids are easy. Obviously, I'm no teacher. But, that's fine by me. After spending half a day in a classroom, I don't understand why you don't see any homicidal educators in the news. Without going into details, I've come to the conclusion that teachers rock. I believe that the good ones are the world's first line of defense against Dumbfuckery, which is the untreatable, terminal, adult-stage result of dumbfuck parenting.

I'm happy to report that Second grade is still every bit as cool as I remember it, except for the fact that I have to kneel to reach the urinals now. Lunch and recess are as regular as Metamucil, the art teacher's room still smells like patchouli, and Gym is still just an adult word for: "Alright you little shits, go run around and scream off some energy, why don't you." Best of all... lunch still comes in a compartmentalized present of mass-produced goodness (See cellophane below).

Yes, that is a spork, and if you make a move for my juicebox, sucka, it's going to take out your fucking eyeball.

All in all, a good day.



Music: Stormy Weather by The Kooks
Beer: Bells - Two-Hearted Ale


  1. I remember 2nd grade...I hated it, kids were so cruel, and I was fat and lazy...So glad that I grew up better than I was 11 years ago.


  2. How you could ever be tricked into thinking that a 2nd grade classroom is anything other than hell covered in a shitstorm is beyond me.

  3. Second grade will always be cool, especially with quiet little kids listening to a story.


  4. I miss those days, but I'm looking forward to having my son repeat the experience (not that he will appreciate it at the time.)

  5. i miss the 2nd grade... everything was so new and exciting back then

    even a rubber band kept me occupied for hours... actually, that part hasn't changed

  6. That lunch is awful looking, I feel bad about hating my 2nd grade equivalent lunch (raspberry jam sandwiches)my mother made.

  7. lol, liked the liver donor line. Good work, hope for more.

  8. you have a cool blog here followin you

  9. I can't stop eyeing off that mashed potato

  10. Is it possible for school to get crapper?
    School wasn't that bad in my day. And the food wasn't that...inedible