Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Love and Road Rage

            Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is blah blah blah however else that flowery bullshit goes.
            We all have different views on love. Some are flowery and make you choke on your own vomit (paging Edward Cullen), some are simplistic and honest, and some are nothing more than a price tag. There are those that are realistic, and those that are as likely to happen as Stephenie Meyer winning a Pulitzer prize.
To me, love is admitting that what she cooked for dinner came out like crap and laughing over it together. It’s being able to have just as much fun shopping for groceries as you do on a real date (our favorites include shopping cart bumper cars, play fighting in the aisles, and ‘put the random embarrassing item in the cart and see when the other notices’).
            Also, love is being a team in everything you do. In chores. In activities. Even in road rage.
            So let me start by saying that contrary to my fun little rants, I’m not an angry person. I just like to laugh, I hate political correctness, and I like to push the envelope. Usually a bad combination, I know, and the other day was no exception.
            Meli was driving us to the grocery store, and a car in the left lane zipped up, threw on their turn signal at the last second, and was tossing themselves into our lane even though we were right beside them. Meli gave a quick honk and the other car swerved back into their lane before they could hit us; apparently the woman that almost struck us felt entitled to our spot, because she promptly ducked into the far right lane on the other side of us, gave us the stinkeye, and flipped us both off.
            Neither of us got mad, because it’s not in our personalities to get upset over idiot drivers, but this woman kept her finger up like a single digit heil Hitler, while simultaneously having some kind of ranting conversation with us (that we were supposed to hear between 2 thick panes of glass and a lane of traffic). I don't know whether she was insulting my mother, or telling me where to stick it, or giving me a recipe for delicious chicken noodle soup... but I'll tell you what, I wasn't gonna take it.
           So I reacted, as any rational human being would, by laughing and saying, “Watch this" (always a precursor to a genius idea). I then pulled my pants down, stood up in the seat, and pressed both cheeks to the glass and shook it like a salt shaker.
            This should have been the part where Meli got embarrassed, pulled me down into the seat, and scolded me for being immature… right? But it wasn’t. She burst out laughing, and as I plopped back down in my seat, I started laughing too. And the woman beside us, well, apparently I just pissed in her cornflakes, because she got all black guuuurl and was yelling at that driver side window like I was the movie screen at a horror flick.
            “Good one!” Meli told me. “Did you see the look on that girl’s face? I wish I could have joined in, too! How pissed would she have been?"
            And so, while some idiot woman got her day ruined because we wouldn’t veer off into a ditch for her, my fiance and I pulled into the grocery store laughing... and later, she bumped my shopping cart into the side of an aisle with her booty to throw off my balance… and then we wrestled in the produce section when I told her her head looked like a watermelon… and then she put a box of Kleenex and a ginormous bottle of lotion in the cart when I wasn’t looking.
            And I only love her more because of it.

Till next time,

Mood: Pleased
Beer: A pitcher of Killians
Shower: Like squeezing 2 people into a fogged up phone booth



  1. I hate pissy drivers. Once when I had first gotten my license I was driving to school for an after school thing for band or something and I was in the middle lane at an intersection. The light turned green and the lane on my right was merging into my lane and the lady that was a few cars behind me in the disappearing lane seemed fine until the arrows started.

    That's when she stomped on it and tried to cut me off, I stayed right on the car in front of me and she cut off the person behind me, honked at me and did what your bitch did to you to me while she sped off and weaved in and out of traffic.

    I mean come on, at least live up to you being wrong!

  2. Sounds like you found a good match. More the luck to you.

  3. Wow, you two sound like the perfect match.

  4. That story is gold :D and that lady deserved that! Congrats to both of you :D!

  5. That's too funny. For some reason the line about you two wrestling in the produce section strikes me as particularly hilarious. The mental image of one of you climbing on top of a mound of oranges to leap on top the other, dazed combatant is too awesome for words.

    We all need a little more WWE in our lives.

  6. Awh man that's such a cute story :3

    and the air plane pic is awesome!

  7. Rusty - she may be five foot nothing, but 2 weeks ago she came running at me, NFL style, and knocked me to the floor in the middle of the baking aisle. I felt like Brett Favre getting drilled by a 300 lb lineman. Got some odd stares from the older couple at the other end of the aisle, but I was too impressed to be mad. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life.

  8. lmao, looks like you found the perfect partner in crime. And that's what life is about: having friends/lovers who you could bury a body with and not worry about the cops.

  9. Sounds cheesy but she sounds like your best friend and that's the most important part about being married. *I would gave thrown a water bottle at her car.

  10. I miss that shit so much. Time to get back in the game and find a decent girl with a sense of humor. You lucked out bro.

  11. Great story and you couldn't be more right about what real love is...

  12. You broke the fourth wall of driving.Pick your nose, sing out loud, curse out the idiot in front of you, wag your ass, it's all good, cause nobody can see you.

  13. You did a nice job on this post, dude! :)

  14. Marry someone you can be at ease with.. she sounds like the one.. love this post..

    and next time, give the rude driver the full monty..